QUEER | tayley

i wanna be there for you

"Taylor, calm down," Hayley says to me as she places her hand on my bouncing leg. We're waiting in the office of the doctor who will decide whether or not I am ready — both mentally and physically — to undergo hormone replacement therapy.

"I can't. I'm nervous," I whine. We're the only people in the waiting room, the last remaining person having gone to see the doctor precisely nine minutes ago. I've been watching the clock closely.

"Taylor York?" a soft male voice calls out. My head twists to aim my eyes in the direction in which my name was called from. A middle-aged man stands in the doorway, his tall body wedged between the door and its frame. He has a clipboard in hand, his eyes focused on it and eyebrows furrowed.

Hayley walks with me towards the doctor, who looks up at me as soon as I approach him.

"I take it you're Taylor?" he asks. I nod my head. He extends his hand, which I firmly shake.

"Follow me," he says before guiding us to his office. A plaque sits on his desk, it reads in silver letters Dr. Weekes.

"Take a seat," he says, sitting down behind his desk with Hayley and I opposite him.

He smiles at the two of us. "Is this your sister?" he asks. I look over at Hayley and then back at him.

"Uh, no. She's my girlfriend."

"Ah, I understand. Well, I've reviewed your information and noticed that you did not write anything about your insurance. I assume this was an accident," he says, raising his brows.

"No, actually. I'm willing to pay out of pocket for it," I say with a nod.

He looks at me for a few seconds, blinks a few times, and then looks at Hayley. He stares at her for a few seconds before refocusing his attention on me and saying, "Unfortunately, that may not be an easy task. Depending on what type you choose, you could be spending hundreds per month. On top of that, the costs of these appointments will really add up. Please, answer this honestly; do your parents know you're here?"

I gulp and look down at my lap. In truth, no, they don't know. My dad would kill me if he were to find out.

"Yes," I lie. It is clear as day that he does not believe me, considering how unnatural and forced my response was.

"If you say so. Well, to begin, I want to go over the side effects of hormone replacement therapy, specifically for testosterone. It's important to consider these factors before starting treatment. Keep in mind that I'm not going to write up a script and send it to the pharmacy as soon as we're done today. We'll need to meet a few times, got that?" he asks, earning a nod from me. I reach for Hayley's hand, giving it a firm squeeze once our fingers have intertwined. The doctor clears his throat.

"Most patients focus only on the positives, which is great and all, but it's important to also consider the negatives. Mood changes, including increased aggression, are likely. You may lose weight, and your fat will move from your hips and thighs to your stomach. It will not take long for facial hair to develop, but not necessarily too much of it. Many of my patients have used Minoxidil to improve their facial hair growth, so if you're interested, that's worth giving a try. Hair will begin growing on your chest, as well as on the rest of your body, where hair will start growing in thicker and darker than it already does. As I imagine you already know, testosterone will not cause your breasts to magically disappear. Although you may experience shrinkage, it cannot do anything about excess skin. Surgery would be needed for that and for complete removal of breast tissue. There are many different types of testosterone: gels, shots, pills. We can discuss that next time we meet."

When he pauses, I quietly ask, "What about, like, sex?" Very vague question, I know. I feel my cheeks heating up as the words leave my lips. I can feel Hayley's eyes on me.