The Fear of Falling Apart (BoyXBoy) UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Chapter Four; Kiss Ass Clary

"-Kai? Kai! Can you please get off your phone for two seconds and take the burgers outside?" My mom called over her shoulder, holding the door open with her foot. 

"Hm?" I looked up from my phone, only to be met with an irritated look from her. I flushed and nodded. I put my phone down and started to stand, but was quickly torn away when another text from Blake caused my phone to vibrate again. 

"Kai!" She chastised angrily, juggling bowls of food in her hand. I quickly turned back to her and ignored the message, grabbing the tray of raw hamburger meat off of the counter. I followed her out and placed the tray beside the grill. I started to head back inside to grab my phone when my mom stopped me. "Did you invite some friends over for the barbeque?"

"What?" I asked, turning back around on my feet. "Oh, yeah. West is coming, I think, and uh... I guess Jeremy already invited Tory."

She nodded, closing the grill, and sat on the porch swing. She dragged a hand through her hair. "Oh, Tory is already here."

I quirked a brow. "What? Where?"

"Jeremy's room."

I wrinkled my nose. Gross. It was bad enough that my friend was dating my brother, but something about her being in his room made my skin crawl. 

"Oh, don't make that face, I told them to keep the door open," She chuckled, patting the space beside her. I scoffed. Yeah, I'm sure they're totally respecting that rule. I walked over, but didn't sit, instead leaning on the swing. She playfully kicked my foot. "You know, if you had a girlfriend, you could bring her over too."

I rolled my eyes, honestly sick of hearing the same jokes over and over again. I haven't had a girlfriend in years, and as far as she knows, I'm happy that way. Besides, the only girl I've been interested in lately has no idea that I exist. But... there is someone else that I wouldn't mind coming. I pursed my lips, hooking a hand on the back of my neck. "Actually, I think that I might invite another friend. Is that okay?"

She pushed herself off of the swing and reached up to pinch my cheek. "Of course, honey. The more the merrier!" 

My heart hammered in my chest, I was practically vibrating with anticipation. It had only been a few days since I had last seen Blake, but I was excited. There was just something that I liked about him and the more time that we spent together, the more that it grew. Before I knew it, I started genuinely enjoying the time that we spent together and I couldn't wait for the time when the next opportunity would come. 

Last time we hung out, he even tried to kiss me again. 

And I didn't pull away this time. I was completely going to let it happen. I was nervous, yes, and I felt like my heart was going to come out of my chest, but I was also... excited. I kind of wanted it to happen. I couldn't really find one thing that could possibly be wrong with it and was totally ready, but for some reason, he pulled away last minute. I was actually a little disappointed, but also kind of relieved. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was also a little bit confused about what all of this was meaning for me. 

But, does it really have  to mean anything for me? Maybe I'm not totally straight like I originally thought. I don't think that I'm gay, or bi... I've never been attracted to any man other than Blake. Well, there was one time... eh, but that doesn't count. Everybody has a confused boner every now and then. Does everything really have to have a label? Can things ever just... be what they are? Can't I just go with the flow and see how things work out, without feeling the pressure of putting a label on myself? 

I like Blake. I enjoy hanging out with him. And... I really wanted him to kiss me the other day. But can't that just be what it is? Would that make things worse, or better with Blake? Would he be uncomfortable if he knew that I wasn't actually gay and that, at this point, I was really just trying to figure things out about myself? I don't want to mess things up with him, not now.