The Real Ram

Chapter 19

 It would normally be training right now, but Flame gave us a break. He wanted us to rest up and start training again tomorrow. Great timing, because right now I need to be alone. I can't go to the training room though because I know that might be where Shawn is hanging out, and I don't want to go to my room because Trish might be there. I head to some of the abandoned hallways to try and find a room where I can hang out in silence. 

This place is changing me. I feel a fleeting sense that I shouldn't let it, but I will it to go away. I left John so I can find a life I want to live, and that can't happen without change.

But the way I talked to Beast, it irritates me. I'm always been the one to look at both sides of an argument, but for some reason I just can't when I'm talking with Beast. I sounded just as blind as everyone else living here. I should go apologize to Beast, but right now I just want to be alone. Jeez, I'm selfish.

I make my way to the hallways Marcus would take me through to see if there's other abandoned areas I can wallow in. When I get there I see someone standing in the hallway. It first makes me nervous, but then I recognize my brother's dark purple jacket. "Hey," I say stoping near the beginning of the hallway.

"Hey, told you I'd be back."

I jog to him and give him a hug. "So you ready to explain why you're really here?"

He tenses, "To see you," I can hear the shakiness in his voice.

"I know you, Phillip. Why are you really here?"

He sighs and escorts me into a nearby training room. "I guess I shouldn't try to fool you anymore."

"I could alway see that you were lying," I reply. "I'm just quicker now."

He turns to me and looks down, "I did come to see you, I really did."

"I know I believe that. But there's got to be a reason why you came now."

He looks up from the floor and settles his worried eyes onto mine. "You're being noticed."

"I'm aware of that. I hear the whispers from the trainers whenever I'm in the cafeteria. I see the looks or either uncertainty or fear people give me, and I fail to not notice the uneasiness group has when wondering who they are going to fight next. God-forbid it be the mysterious new girl."

"No," he shifts weight onto his right leg, "you're being noticed. Not just by the Omega's, but by the Ravens and by the Shadows, and by at least three other compounds. They all want to get to you, and I don't think killing is their first intention."

"They want to recruit me?" I ask incredulously. I didn't think word could spread that fast between compounds.

Phillip nods, "They've heard about a new member here. Most of them are still trying to figure out who you are. They don't have much to go off of thanks to X, but I can't imagine that will last long."

"Do they know about our father? About my second ability?"

"I know the Shadow compound does, and the Ravens are trying to figure that out. Mr. X doesn't know for sure, but once you have your turn at fighting he'll confirm it. All the trainers here will too."

"You know I can't really control it," I argue.

"I know, but you need to figure it out fast. The sooner you'll be able to control it, the sooner you'll be about to prevent it's use and—"

"Prevent it's use?"

Phillip sighs, "If people here identify you with not one but two rare abilities, I'm afraid you won't be safe anymore."

"What do you think they'll do? Try and kidnap me?" I ask sarcastically.

"I don't know what they'll try, and that's what worries me the most. I need you to figure out a way to stop using White Shadow's ability."

"No," I reply quickly.

"No?" Phillip repeats. "Zoey, this is for your safety."

"No," I say sternly. "Phillip, I'm sick and tired of hiding!" I shout, my voice cracking. "You know, at school they'd call the police if they knew one of the students was a freak like me. We're talking children here, and they would treat them like animals. I always had to hide who and what I am, for other's benefit, and I'm just tired of it." I gesture around us in the dim lighted training room, "This place, it's different. We see each other as equals for the most part. For once, I found a way of life that actually wants me as myself."

"They don't want you, they want your ability," he says back in a tight voice.

"They can't have that without me," I counter.

"I'm scared for you," he sounds worried, "I know you think you've dealt with abuse and hatred, but this way of life adds a whole different meaning to those words. These compounds are competitive with each other, and they don't always play nice. I feel it'll be safer if you just hide—"

"You don't know what it's like to hide what you are, every second of your life," I tell my older brother calmly. "Please. Please Phillip, I'm asking you for one thing. Please just let me be me for once," I end in a soft voice. In the back of my mind, I know it's wrong to think that way. To think that everything around me is perfect. I know this place isn't all what it's hyped up to be. I know there are enemies against me every corner I turn, and that Mr. X is hiding something from not just me but everyone that dares to trust him. But I don't care. It scares me how much I don't care. My pathetic desperation sickens me, and I don't care. I just want to stay here, blind of things I shouldn't be worried about for once. Is that too much to ask?

Phillip stands still, quieter than I've ever seen him. He inhales and nods his head, "You know, I've never see you cut someone off before, let alone ask for something you want." He sighs at gives me a small smile, "You're right, you've always compromised for others," he laughs a little and his smile grows, "You know what? I still think you don't fully know what you're doing, but I think I agree with you. I'm sick of letting you hide. If you don't care that people know who you really are, then that's fine by me. Let them come," he tells me as if egging them on. "You've only been here for a month, and look how much it's changed you. You're stronger than when I left you." He steps to me and puts his hands lightly on my shoulders, "I'm proud of you, and I know Mom would be too." I smile, not from his speech, but from the depth of his words. He's happy that I asked for something. He's happy that I've accepted the greed that lives within everyone.

It's like the one wish Beast asked us long ago. Everyone didn't really know what to wish for. The very fact that you could wish for anything, it stumps you. No matter what you asked for, what you thought would satisfy that greed within you, there's always going to be the thoughts and rabbit trails of what you could have wished for. That greed and want will never be filled, in anyone. 

He wipes away a tear I didn't even know had fallen. I sniff and wipe the rest away saying, "Thanks Phillip." Maybe I will take his advice and let my lies continue. After all, I'm well accustomed to hiding behind a screen no one seems to see past.

"No, thank you." I know, as much as I want to ignore it and believe Phillip, believe myself, I can't. I can't ask for this blissful greed, even if it's the only thing I want right now. I can't turn into it. I can't let myself change and accept these useless desires.

Mr. X doesn't think of our kind as humans anymore because he believes we're stronger and better, but I want to challenge him on that. We may have higher skill sets, and we may have figured out ways to go above and beyond, but that doesn't make up for the fact that we have our own faults, our own needs, our own desires. I'm willing to predict that our species will fall eventually, and that will be because of our link to basic human instincts. Our fall will be because we will miss the one thing that made us weak. Our fall will be because of humans, yet they will have no part in it. Our fall may not even be considered a fall according to human standards, but it will be a fall. Our fall will be due to the downfall of humans.

Isn't that enough to still consider us human?