The Real Ram

Chapter 64

 They say when someone you love dies, your first response is denial. That feeling when you know it's happened, but you don't really want to know it happened. You wish you had just a few more minutes to talk with the person. One more conversation, a huge heart to heart, and you'd feel better or maybe even content with losing them. But really, you will never be okay with losing them. I guess because it's not okay. It will never be okay, and the back of your mind is whispering this inevitable fact to you but you don't want to hear it because you're a normal person going through the normal stages of grief.

But I was never told I was normal. I was never told grief was okay. I was always exposed to loss, and I was always—for the lack of better words—okay with it. I was never angry or depressed. I never begged for the person to come back. I would just accept they were gone, and with a few days I'd be totally fine.

But this, this isn't like the deaths I've experienced. I can't not look at Beast's motionless body and hope he'll miraculously start breathing again, or he'll open his eyes and sit up and tell me that everything will be okay. I'm finding myself in a place where I've never wanted anything more than to have that one last conversation with Beast, or one more stupid heart to heart. I find myself denying his death.

I find myself wishing he was back. That's the wish. The answer to the question he asked us so long ago, the one he answered with his dying breath. If I could have one wish given to me before today, I would have considered a lot of things. I would have considered making John not a part of my life, or never seeing my mother fake her death. I could have wished for my brother to be more involved, or maybe having a strong father figure to always look up to. My wish could have gone to being normal. Maybe a more common ability, or maybe a more common world.

Any day before today, I would have wished for my past to be better. Any day before today I would have wished just how a naive little child would, but not anymore. Today I figured out how truly powerful a supernatural wish could be. I would wish for Beast to be alive. I would wish for his safety and for his well being. I would wish for Trish's parents to have survived, or Shawn's father to never change. That wish would be spent on stopping Raven. Exposing Mole and Xavier and the black mist. Hell, I would even use it to heal Flame and turn him back into someone who actually cares about his students.

But see, it's useless to fantasize about how life could be, because it won't change. That amazingly powerful wish just doesn't exist. Memories will never change. Reality will be just as cruel as it's made out to be. The future will never be known until it's lived.

We shouldn't really spend time thinking about the past or the future though. It's a waste of time. Some would say that you can learn from the past, or you can plan for the future, but all of that revolves around the present. It's because you live in the present. Everyone lives in the present. Your past self is gone, there's no way you can fix it. Your future self is unplanned and you can't form anything to truly structure it. All that matters is the present.

My present right now is watching the monster that killed my Beast laugh.

"We have to go now," Aspen says.

"We can't, there're troops lining the hallways outside waiting for Kian's signal to attack us. There's no use, we're trapped," Trish says. She looks down but she can't bare to look at Beast so she stands up. Shawn follows her as she walks a few feet away.

"We can fight," Jack suggests.

"That's how we got in this madness in the first place," Aspen argues. "We need someone to clear that path for us."

I watch as Kian looks at me with a sickening smile and slowly gets up from the floor. I feel my mother tense as she sees his eyes set on me.

"I think we have a better chance at taking on the mediocre troops outside," my mother says. We don't have to argue about it anymore though. Kian signals and the troops come swarming in. Jack ignites his hands and charges into the soldiers only to be knocked out after taking down two or three guys. Trish and Shawn are swarmed, but I only hear Trish screaming at the men to let go of her. Shawn's silent, like he knows there's no use fighting.