Addiction & Recovery | Robsten

IV | The Kristen Stewart Effect pt.2

Robert's Pov;

     Something changed in Kristen while we were in the process of filming New Moon. She seemed different, but I couldn't for the life of me put a finger on why. I asked and at first she said it was nothing. I asked again and she said it was Michael. I asked what Michael had done to upset her. I got nothing as the answer again. I pressed for more, she said nothing. I let it go. A month later I began to understand what she meant when she said nothing. He had done nothing. She had done nothing. The word was empty in the physical context. Neither of them had done anything physically. The problem was rooted inside of Kristen. Because even when she said nothing she felt something. That something was clawing at her, bursting her at the seams. There were rumors, I knew. Rumors of us. The public thought we were being deceitful when we said we were just friends, like we had something to hide. Maybe we did. Only when that maybe turned into certainty, did my understanding begin. I became certain when Kristen kissed me. We had kissed before, but not like that. When we kissed this time, There was no cameras rolling, no director, no scene. Just her and me. It was unexpected by me, but carefully planned by her. She knew what she was doing, I could tell by the way she kissed me. It was not a mistake, not a slip, not a lapse in judgement, it was a physical manifestation of the need within her heart. I should have seen it coming. I should have paid attention to the signs. There was flirting on both ends every time we were near, something I naively thought was a joke for her but a plea by me. I never believed it would matter. She would never want me back, not the way I wanted her. I never thought I'd have a shot at finding out if she even could. She was underage when I met her and I had been warned not to make a pass at her. I didn't need the warning. I knew my feelings for her were inappropriate, so I didn't express them. The thought would not have even crossed my mind, not until after she became eighteen. And then when she was eighteen, a legal adult, I didn't try anything still because I knew she had a boyfriend. A boyfriend I thought she loved. Though any respect I had for the man I thought was holding her heart went out the window when she kissed me. I was not going to let my chance slip away. I kissed her back, with a demanding passion I never knew I even had. I would have been stupid not to. The kiss did not last long in reality, but it would always be moving in slow motion in my mind. All the simple touches between us that had come before could not compare to the feeling created when our lips met. I thought it was a privilege to casually hold her hand when we walked to and from set and again at events when she needed my support to walk in her heels. I thought it was a privilege when she would pull me in for a hug and I got to hug her back, or when she would offer a rare kiss on the cheek and I was able to return it. I thought it was a privilege when she would reach out and ruffle my already messy and more famous than me hair and I would do the same to her only to get chastised for it later by her hairstylist. I did not know what privilege was back then, I did not know true privilege until she kissed me. That was when I felt truly blessed.

     When filming I often stayed in hotel rooms, it seemed silly to aim for anything more permanent when our location could and would change after such a short period of time. Sometimes Kristen would go to my room instead of her own after our work for the day was over. She had other friends she could fill the lonely hours with, but she chose me over them. She would stay up late into the night with me just hanging out. Sometimes she would fall asleep and then slip out in the morning and make a quick stop at her own room to change before we had to return to set. I did the same when we would move our bonding sessions into her room rather than mine. It was innocent. No matter how it looked from prying outside eyes, it was innocent. Then one day, the day she kissed me, it wasn't. We were just reading lines back and forth, nothing unusual. Then in an instant everything changed. She kissed me. I kissed her. We kissed. The next day we did it again. Then the day after that we did it another time. We kissed every day for two weeks. We didn't make out, we didn't have sex. We kissed, singular. One kiss per day. It was exhilarating, but it wasn't enough for either of us. After two weeks of just a kiss, we made out. We made out so aggressively, we might as well have had sex with our clothes on. Kristen left immediately after our heated make out. She stopped coming to my room. She stopped inviting me to hers. That lasted for three days. Then without asking she appeared at my hotel room in the middle of the night. I wasn't asleep. I was wide awake thinking about her, worrying really. I thought I did something wrong. I hadn't. I had done something right. That night we had sex for the first time with each other. She didn't leave after. She slept in my bed with me. Her relationship with Michael was over. She chose to end that chapter of her life. I didn't have to ask why, it was obvious. It was me. She needed me and wanted me just as much as I did her. On that night our worlds collided. We were not co-stars, not friends, we were something much more permanent. Two halves of a whole. I never wanted us to separate, not when I knew how perfectly we fit together.