Addiction & Recovery | Robsten

II | Adulthood vs. Childhood

Kristen's Pov;

     One day in late February of 2009 I was alone in the apartment Michael and I shared. On one of the rare points in time in which I was no longer filming nor promoting any of my acting projects. It was a normal day. I cleaned up around the home, I watched television, I smoked, I showered, I masturbated. I'm not sure what had caused the mood to strike, but I found myself in Michael and I's bed, feeling hot and heavy and inconveniently alone. I didn't mind following the mood solo. Just because I didn't have to work didn't mean Michael wouldn't. Plus we had enjoyed our alone time frequently throughout our relationship, even when we were in the same house together. Sometimes you just get a feeling, like an itch you can't scratch, something that just cannot be satisfied by sex with another. Sometimes you just want to do something to please yourself and no one else. It's a personal thing that differs for different people. I, had and likely would always be a big fan of self-love, Michael was only a semi-big fan of it, for others it would never be their thing. We were open about it in our relationship and it really wasn't a big deal. It wasn't like one of us would get offended when the other decided they would prefer some solo action that day. In fact, sometimes we found it brought us closer, and made our together time sexual acts even more satisfactory. But on this particular day in which things became incredibly awkward, I had been doing my thing, enjoying myself, and along came Michael bursting through the doors and catching me red-handed, or white-handed should I say, due to my hands being come soaked and deep inside me when we caught me mid-orgasm. "Fuck, Kristen, I'm sorry!" He had yelled, hand over eyes, backing out of the doorway. "No, babe, It's my bad just give me one second!" I quickly took the blame into my own hands and ended my solo session short. 

     When I was decent I came and found him in the kitchen digging through the cabinets likely looking for something easy for dinner. "All good?" He asked, giving me a flirtatious smile. "Yep." I muttered, embarrassed and crimson-cheeked. "Don't worry about it. If I were the one home alone I would've been doing the same thing." He admits, fishing a box of cereal out of the cabinet. We eat cereal for dinner often if neither of us are in the mood to cook. "Hope you were thinking about me while doing it." He comments, pulling me in for a kiss. I stop him just as he's about to kiss me, my insides suddenly wracked with guilt. "Kristen, what's wrong? It's not like this is our first time catching the other in the act it's really no big deal." I swallow hard, not making eye contact. He's misinterpreting my shame, but I don't have any desire to correct him. The problem has nothing to with being caught and everything to do with his previous comment about my inner sexual thoughts. The problem is that I was thinking about Rob. I didn't intend to, I didn't even realize it at first. But then I began to picture his sexy smile, tousled hair, deep dark eyes, and once I began to picture it I couldn't stop. How could I tell Michael that is what my brain conjured up when I made myself come? I couldn't. We had laughed about the rumors of Rob and I being anything more than just good friends, but was it really that far from the truth?

    Approximately a month later is when it really became more than just a laughable rumor. When Rob and I began filming for New Moon. The onset flirting didn't stop, it only became more real than ever. In addition to all the things we had made habits of on the set of our first film Twilight, we added new scandalous things to the ongoing list of our inappropriate bonding sessions that had nothing to with our onscreen romance. It's like we really couldn't get enough of each other, no matter how many times we tried to keep it professional, we really just couldn't stop. We said it was as just friends when we would hold hands or hug or kiss on cheeks, or touch each others hair. We said it was as just friends when we began having secret yet seemingly innocent sleepovers in hotel rooms. And at first it was just that, innocent, we would just stay up late hanging out and fall asleep in each others rooms, no big deal. Then one day, It wasn't. It was a usual evening for us, hanging out, running lines, just friends blowing off steam. Then out of nowhere it seemed, our fun became quite the opposite of innocent. Our accidental sleepovers turned into very purposeful encounters. Those encounters turned into our first time having sex with each other, then it became many times after that. I had never had such a physical experience. With Michael, it was good, great even, but with Robert it was earth-shattering. He made my mind and body do and feel things I didn't know were possible. That's when I knew something was changing, That I was changing. I could no longer be Michael's girlfriend, because I simply was not the girl I had been when our relationship began. I was different suddenly. I needed and wanted different things. Things he couldn't give me. That didn't mean I didn't love him, but I just couldn't love him any longer. We split up and we went on our separate ways. It was for the better for both of us, even though it hurt like hell. Michael and I had grown up together, we had experienced teenage love in all its glory. But once I had turned eighteen and entered adulthood we no longer were compatible. Michael would always been the great love of my teenage years, but Robert was my first adult relationship. Instead of clinging to my childhood with Michael, I made the choice to walk into the beginning of my adulthood with Robert by my side.