After Goodbye

Chapter 1

The day before.

I don't know why I'm this way. I don't know why I can't enjoy an everyday life like everyone else does. It's been like this for as long as I can remember.

Lately it's just been stronger. Nothing can seem to bring me out of the rut I've put myself in. I'm at a constant battle with myself. Smile now. Laugh now. Simple commands control my day.

Parties are something that used to knock me out of my self mopingness, but even that hasn't helped tonight.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay out here with you?" Shake head now. Smile. Jess is looking at me, worry in her blue eyes, but I shoo her away.

"I'm sure. You go have fun. I think I'm going to just call Nate to come get me." She gives me one last look before disappearing into the mess of people. We're over halfway through senior year and the parties have only gotten intenser. I'm just not up for pretending to be happy tonight.

"Z?" Nate is the only one I allow to call me that. It's our thing.

"Can you come get me?" There's rustling on the other line. He must be getting out of bed or sitting up.

"Why? Where's Jess?" I can tell by his voice that he's walking.

"She's still here. I just really want to come home." I lean further over the balcony, checking out the front door of whoever's house this is to make sure it's clear. I don't want to ruin anyone else's fun by interrupting a hookup.

"Well, okay. I'll be there soon." Nate is not someone who usually stays home, he's the life of our school, but someone has to watch the kids.

I make my way through the house, pushing through the people that are too drunk to move, and make it to the door within a few minutes. When I get outside I sit on the front step to wait for Nate's and my car to drive up.

It takes less than a minute and I can feel the heat of someone beside me. I assume it's Jess, but don't turn to look.

"Why are you sitting outside by yourself?" I shrug, trying not to notice the subtle pickup of my heartbeat. It does that whenever Brady is around. Which is a lot since he's my brother's closest friend.

"Just waiting for Nate to get here." He inches a little closer and I shiver. Not from the weather. South Carolina tends to keep you warm, but just from him.

"You're going home?" I lean back on my hands, crossing my shorts clad legs at the ankle in front of me.

"Yeah."

"How come?" I shrug again. I don't know how to act around him. Especially since that night. Brady and I are friends, more than friends really, but I don't know how to act around anyone.

"I'm just not up for this tonight." He looks at my face, but I keep my eyes on the street. If I look at him he'll convince me to stay. And I really would like to stay with him.

I wait for him to say something else and when he doesn't I get up from the step and walk to the street where our red Corolla is waiting, Nathan behind the wheel.

"Who were you talking to?"

"Brady." I click the seatbelt around me, settling in the seat.

"Why?"

"I don't know. He came out to talk to me, I guess," I lean my head against the window. There's an ache forming there from the loud music and the last thing I need is my annoying twin making it worse.

"Are the girls sleeping?" He nods. He got his hair cut recently and it doesn't shake around when he moves his head anymore. I kinda miss it.

"Don't wake them up when we get home."

"I won't. Mom?" She's been working extremely late recently. Her job as a nurse pays a little more if you work the nightshift. And she tries to make everything she can since she's supporting four kids on her own.

"Just walked in the door when I left. She's probably sleeping too and exhausted, so we can't be too loud."

"I'm not a herd of buffalo, Nate. I know how to walk quietly." He shrugs and closes the car door, leading the way to the front door since his keys are already out.

"I'm not saying you don't, I'm just reminding you."

"Whatever." I rub my forehead. I can feel my temple throbbing each time I blink which is a lot. Nate might just be the slowest person to walk up the stairs ever. At the top we part ways.

"Night, baby sister." I glance at him really for the first time, he's still in his pajamas. A white tee shirt and red flannel pants.

"Goodn-. Four minutes, Nathan. You are four minutes older than me." He grins, walking backwards into his dark room.

"Still older." He kisses his palm and blows it at me. I roll my eyes before walking into my own room.

I change into a pink tank top and white shorts before brushing out my ponytail to leave my hair loose down my back. I walk down the hall to check on the girls. They are both still fast asleep, even Jordyn who has had a difficult time adjusting to her "big girl" bed.

When I'm positive that they are okay I climb into my own bed. In the nightstand next to me is where I keep all of my medication and I fumble for it in the dark. Antidepressants, anxiety, sleep pill, and I wash it all down with some Advil for my headache.

I didn't know I took the wrong dosage of each medicine. I didn't know I couldn't take them all together. Honestly I didn't. I should have turned the light on and made sure everything I was doing was right. But I didn't. I didn't mean to do this.

I didn't mean to not wake up the next day.

I didn't mean to kill myself. I had thought about it. And even went through the preparations, but that night I didn't mean to do it.

I didn't mean to die. But I did.

A/N This is pretty much a prologue but I don't like using the word prologue so it's chapter one. I'm going to work on this as I work on Pregnancy Promise because I keep getting ideas for this story along with my current one that I don't want to forget. I know this is really short, but I don't want these chapters to be very long.

That lovely lady at the top is Zoey Deutch who plays Hazel. Pay attention to what she is wearing. That's not what she wore to the party, but it's an important outfit.

The song is Untitled by Simple Plan. I think it fits pretty well. I'm going to try and put a song up for every chapter, but don't hold me to that.

-XOXOXO ella