After Goodbye

Chapter 8

It's been a month now.

A full month since that stupid accident that took my life. I'm still in the in-between. Not that Death is happy about it. I know my time on earth is coming to a close. I can feel it in my bones, but I just not quite ready to leave yet. Still he asks me everyday whether or not I'm ready.

"You're sure today isn't the day?" I shake my head. I'm sitting on the banister, my back to the stairs. It used to freak my mom out so bad when I would sit here. She'd always claim I'd fall backwards and end up tumbling down the stairs.

"It isn't." It's a random Tuesday afternoon. Nathan is at baseball practice and Victoria is at the library. Mom is home with Jordyn dressed in her scrubs. She's obviously back at work. They gave her two weeks with pay, not as much as she usually makes but still pay, to grieve. She still has three kids to support so despite her need to stay on the couch she forced herself back to the hospital.

"Jordyn, stay away from the stairs." The baby gate was taken down a week before I died. But I'm surprised it hasn't made a reappearance. Steps are on of my mom's biggest fears. Apparently, when she was pregnant with me and Nathan, she wasn't paying attention and fell.

"Sissy." Jordyn reaches up her tiny little hand and wraps it around the knob to my bedroom door. It takes a couple twists for her to figure it out. She toddles in and I follow.

Not much of it has been touched. The only person who ever goes inside is Victoria and that's to use my makeup or, in instances where she really misses me, to sleep in my bed.

Jordyn goes to my desk and takes a bottle of perfume, spraying it on her neck like I used to do every morning. She misfires and gets herself in the face, but the second spray goes where it is supposed to.

Against the wall near my dresser is one of those big Bratz heads where you can do their hair and makeup. She loved sitting in my room in the morning, watching me get ready, so to keep her from being in the way I bought that. The thing truly has been through hell. Her hair is matted beyond repair. And her face is marked up with different colors it's hard to tell what her original skin color was.

"Baby," She sits the hideous thing in her lap and tries combing through its hair with my brush. She makes it from scalp to about halfway before the knot is too much and she has to yank it out, breaking three bristles in the process.

"You're a mess, kid." In her frustration she pushes the doll over, instead going into the closet where I have stashed her collection of Littlest Pet Shop toys. The bag is heavy. Big enough that she has to drag it across the floor to get it out of the closet.

One by one she sets the town up and supplies an animal into each bed and when all of the beds are taken up into random nooks and crannies. She only ever plays with the little hamster so I don't know why she sets them all up, but she does it every time.

"Jordyn?" I don't expect Mom to open my door, but she does. Peeking her head in, Jordyn smiles, holding up her beloved hamster.

"Ter, Mommy."

"Yes, that is your hamster." Slowly, as if the floor is going to crack beneath her foot, she steps into the room. I worry for her, the last time when she tried to come in and Nate had to carry her out is still fresh in my mind. She takes a seat on the very edge of my bed, bringing one of my pillows to her chest. They don't smell like me much anymore since Tori has slept with them so often, but my scent must linger enough since tears come to her eyes.

Mom replaces the pillow carefully. Wiping the moisture from her eyes before it can fall to her cheeks. She looks around, from the posters of bands I never got to see in concert, to my collection of books, to the tv that was hardly ever on, to the computer where I sat for hours blogging on Tumblr, to finally rest on my scrapbook. It's a project I was working on to document my senior year. She lefts it up from my dresser and stares at the cover for a long time.

It's my senior portrait. I'm in a yellow graduation gown, the cap only visible due to it being a headshot. But I know it's got to be one of the hardest pictures she's seen. I'm never going to graduate.

Her finger runs along the edge of the page before finally opening it. This page is probably no better. It's three more pictures. One of me and Jess in matching gowns, followed by me and Nathan, who's in a blue gown, our school's other color, and then one of the three of us, our arms around one another. On the bottom of the paper I have June 2 in big bubble letters, our graduation date. She traces the letters with her pinkie and then flips the page.

The first day of school. One of my favorite pictures ever is in the center. Nathan and I are fighting over the car keys. I'm standing with my hip cocked out and a palm open where I had expected him to put the keys, he's childishly holding them behind his back. But my favorite part of it is Victoria who's in the background leaning against the backseat door, rolling her eyes. Mom had snapped it when we weren't paying attention, more concerned with who was getting behind the wheel. Nathan ended up driving, despite my protests.

She continues to skim the pages, well not really skim since she takes at least ten minutes on each one, while Jor plays.

"Hey, Mom?" It's after five when I glance at the clock which explains Nathan's appearance. She doesn't look up from the book. His steps are heavy as he clambers up the stairs. He must notice my door open since that's where he comes first. Mom's wearing a small smile on her lips. I peek over her shoulder and notice a page where Jess and I are making stupid faces during lunch.

He takes slow steps into the room, not wanting to startle anyone and puts an arm around Mom's shoulders. She leans her head onto his shoulder, still looking at the pictures.

"Are you okay?"

"She was happy, wasn't she Nate? I know she struggled with depression, but deep inside don't you think she was happy? Look at her face here. She's glowing." The exact moment was captured by Jess at a football game. Brady had just scored and I'm on my feet, applauding him.

"Of course she was happy. She loved her life." And he isn't wrong. I used to complain about the little things constantly, but I realize now I should have appreciated them more.

"Do you have those kinds of days?"

"What days?" He guides her back so they can sit on the edge of my bed, the book open on their laps.

"Where you feel like you can't go on anymore? That there isn't a point of trying." She's had many of those days. My mom, who loves her job, comes home and strips off the scrubs as soon as possible.

"I think we've all had a couple of those days. But you have to look at all the reasons to keep on going." With Nate those days are uncomfortable for me since it normally entitled him calling Jess and that's not something I need to see.

"Jor, come to Mommy."

"Playing." I snicker. She's too sassy for her own good.

"Jordyn." Even being two she knows when not to press Mom's buttons. She stands and walks to the bed, bringing the hamster with her. Compromise. Mom lifts her to take a seat on her thighs.

"Sissy!" She points at the page animately, her face lighting up. I know she misses me. She still asks for me everyday.

"I miss her so much."

"We all do."

A/N I know this chapter is way shorter than all of the other ones, but the chapter focuses on a two year old so I really didn't know how to expand it anymore. The cutie at the top is Harper Beckham who plays Jordyn. The song is When I Die by New Found Glory.

-XOXOXO ella