After Goodbye

Chapter 9

You'd think after a month it would hurt a little less. It doesn't. I remind myself everyday not to wait for Hazel. And today. Jesus, today is hard.

I meander over to her grave. Grass is starting to poke through the dirt, finally. I brush off the nonexistent dust from the top of the marker. I'll get back to her.

I squat down in front of my dad's grave and yank at the overgrown grass that's too close to the stone for the caretaker to reach with the mower.

"Hey, dad. I made it." I adjust the cap on my head, sitting with my back against the marker once all the grass is tended to.

"It really has been a rough couple years without you. It isn't easy being in a house with all those hard headed women. But we're making it. Jordyn has gotten so big and learned so much. I know you're proud of her. And Victoria, wow, she's sharp as a tack. I swear she's already smarter than me and she's still got three years of high school left. Mom is more difficult. She's been through so much I didn't know if she would be able to recover. It's hard to get every smile out of her, but I'm gonna keep trying. Losing Hazel changed a lot. We had just gotten into a routine and she had to throw that curveball at us. Such a painful curveball. You'd better keep a close eye on that one. She can get into some serious trouble. Hazel, I miss you like crazy. Jess is still a mess. I wish you were here more for her than me sometimes. It kills me to see her in so much pain. It's getting easier, I think. Just keep looking out for all of us. I wish you were here to celebrate this milestone with me, both of you. This is your day too, Hazel, even if you aren't here to see it. Anyway, I promised Mom I wouldn't be too long. Can't be late to my own graduation. I love you both and I'll be back soon." I brush the dirt from the back of dress pants, hoping the gown will cover any that hasn't come off.

I turn the air on high in the car. It's topping out at over a hundred on this sweltering June day and my white dress shirt is sticking to my back with sweat. I shift into reverse, Hazel's hair ties still hanging from the device. One day I may get her crap out of the car that is my now my own, but today is not that day.

My navy blue gown is hanging in the back of the car, pressed and ironed by my mom. She's doing everything in her power to make tonight perfect and worked extra shifts to pay for the party to celebrate tomorrow. All the money I earned from the shop the last couple weeks has gone into her purse. I can't stand her thinking she has to pay for everything even though she would never accept money from me.

It's the first big party we're going to have in years. After all the tragedy we need a reason to celebrate and mine and Jess' graduation is just the cause.

I find Mom pacing the front of the football field, Tori is holding Jordyn's hand at one end looking completely bored.

"There you are! Nathan, I told you to be here twenty minutes ago. Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"You are the first person to tell me not to use my phone behind the wheel. Traffic was bad, I'm sorry." I kiss her cheek.

"Don't let your gown drag. It'll wrinkle." I hike the bag up higher even though I know it wasn't touching the ground.

"Everything is fine, Mom. Go find some seats I have to go to the gym to check in."

"Alright, we'll be cheering for you. I am so proud of you, Nathan." She gives my arm a final squeeze and hoists Jordyn up into her grasp.

I weave through the parking lot to get to the gym where there is a swarm of navy blue and atrocious yellow. I never understood why they couldn't let the girls wear white or something. One girl makes the gown look good and she finds me as I'm trying to get my other arm into the garment.