Nothing Can My Love Erase

I Can't Face this Life Alone

January 1978

"Billie... Billie, you did it. You really did it. I knew you could do it..." Brian kissed her cheek, reaching for her hand

Billie managed a weak smile. "I wasn't so sure," she said quietly.

"Alright, Billie," the nurse said, smiling at her. "Are you ready to hold your son?"

Billie looked at the nurse, hesitation in her expression. "My... my son..?"

"Yes... you have a beautiful, healthy baby boy, congratulations," the nurse continued with a smile. "He would like to meet his mum and dad now.."

Brian tightened his grip on Billie's hand, and when Billie looked at him she could see a tear running down his cheek, a giant smile on his face.

"You did fabulous, Billie... here, this is your son," the nurse said and placed the little bundle in Billie's arms.

"Oh dear," she said quietly, holding him close to her, somehow loving the feeling of her baby's skin against hers. "He's so small... Bri... look at him," she said, unable to keep a smile off her face.

"I know...," Brian whispered. "He's such a handsome baby... it's hard to believe that this is actually ... my son... my son. Our son." He sounded like he was having a hard time coming to term with the fact that that they had a child.

Billie didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. Instead she simply stared at the baby in her arms, her baby, trying to come to terms with the fact that she was this little boy's mother. It was terrifying and yet when the little boy opened his eyes and looked at her in wonder it made her so happy. "Why isn't he crying?" She asked quietly, glancing up at the nurse only for a moment before she looked back at her son.

"He's comfortable," the nurse simply said, coming over to check on the baby boy. "It's a good sign, don't worry. And he seems to be doing great," she continued, informing Billie and Brian about the next steps with their baby. But neither of them really seemed to be able to actually pay attention, especially Brian was absolutely captivated by the little boy. Billie delivered the placenta without problems and the little boy seemed to be very hungry because he didn't leave time for Billie to get cleaned up and dressed before he started to drink. If it hadn't been Brian, Billie would have been very uncomfortable if someone had stared at her like he did. He observed every little movement the two of them made, and with every bit he saw his smile grew. He was in completely in awe of what he was witnessing.

"Billie, you are beautiful," he whispered quietly, not wanting to disturb his son's very first meal on this planet. "Does it hurt? I know you --" He hesitated a little and continued as a whisper. "If I get too rough with your breasts, you don't like it."

Billie had to smile. It was so good to have him around, he was adorable. Sometimes he still reminded her of when they had just met. "It stopped hurting actually... I guess there's a difference between you going a little overboard and a baby eating," she said amused.

"That's good. I wouldn't want you to be in pain every time he's hungry. He made you suffer enough already," Brian said with a small smile. "I'm so proud of you, you know? I love you."

"I love you too, Bri," she said quietly and glanced at him with a smile.

Brian leaned down to kiss her very softly, only for a moment, but it was something they both needed. When their son was finished with his meal, the nurse took him for yet another check before she dressed him and gave him to Brian who could hardly believe his luck. It was the first time he was holding him, and Billie couldn't get enough of that sight. Brian was smiling impossibly much and the baby looked even smaller in the arms of his tall, lanky father. It was hard for Billie to look away, but the nurse told her it was time to get cleaned up and get dressed so she could go back to her room, get some rest, and let the rest of the family meet their son.

When Billie was dressed, Brian was still holding his son, not appearing to have moved at all. "How are you two doing?" Billie asked, going over to them.

"We're doing just wonderfully, thank you. How are you doing? You look ... amazing," Brian said, taking his eyes off the baby so he could look at her. "Especially considering what you just did, you look fantastic... I don't know how you do that. I'm so proud of you, Billie."

"Thank you... it still hurts, but I thought it would be worse...," she admitted. "And... you know, it was worth it. He's ... adorable. I hope he'll grow up to look like you."

Brian chuckled a little and looked at their son. "We'll have to wait and see, I guess."

"I don't want to disturb you, but I think it's time to go to your room so mother and son can get some much needed rest. I'm going to give you the birth certificate to fill out too. Billie, we're getting you a wheelchair so you don't have to walk, alright?" The nurse said and gave Billie a folder. "Don't rush, you can take your time picking out a name you think will fit this little man. Ready?"

Billie forced herself to take her eyes off her son and husband and looked at the nurse before she nodded. "Yeah... I think some rest sounds good." She got in the wheelchair they had brought for her and convinced Brian to trade her their son for the folder she had been given. Brian was hesitant, but when Billie reminded him he could take her the entire time when she was sleeping he gave in. He couldn't really deny her that. After all, without her he wouldn't have a son to hold.

The nurse wheeled Billie to their room, while Brian - curious as he was - examined the birth certificate. "We have to come up with a name, Billie, we can't just keep calling him the baby.."

"Well, we could, but I don't want that," Billie agreed. "Can I think about it a little more?"

"Of course, definitely. We have two weeks, Billie, we can take our time."

"Yes, there's no pressure at all," the nurse confirmed. "We all want you to be happy with the name you choose. And Mr May, if you want to call your families, the phone are right around the corner of your room."

"Oh yes.. Billie, can I call them now? Is it okay if I call the boys too? It'll take them all a while to get here," Brian said, getting the note with everyone's phone numbers out of his trouser pocket.

"Sure, yeah. Don't be too long, okay?" She told him, the thought of being alone with her son suddenly quite intimidating.

Brian nodded and leaned down to kiss her quickly. "I'll try not to be. But you'll be fine, he's so happy in your arms. You're doing so well, Billie," he told her, hoping those words would reassure her enough for the time he would leave her alone.

Billie took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. I love you."

"I love you too," Brian told her, gently rubbing her back before he disappeared to make some very important phone calls.