Seducing Montreux

Missing You

I stabbed the piece of honeydew with my fork and examined it carefully before dropping it all with a clank into the bowl of fruit and shoving it aside. I reached for Roger’s pack of cigarettes and chased a sip of tea with a freshly lit cigarette. Freddie and Mary were delightedly conversational this morning, thank god. John and Veronica had the certain glow about them…hell, I know what they’d been doing. They were so very into each other this morning but even though Veronica was wrapped up in John, I could feel her eyes on me.

 It wasn’t that I didn’t want to eat this fruit and half English muffin that Roger had shoved my way….it was that I couldn’t. In my life, I had always been one of those people who had not only been quite in control of myself, but had also been consumed with perfection. Any time and every time something in my life was out of control I, in turn, controlled the one thing I knew I could: food.

 I despised the fact that I was in public and the only one at this table not eating. It was my giveaway that something was wrong. I sat there with my cigarette fighting with myself…screaming at myself to shove that fuckin’ fruit down my throat at all costs…it wasn’t workin’ and I was terrified Roger was gonna’ catch on. He knew me…god how he knew me…and if he saw me not eating this stupid fruit or that damn muffin half, he would know that something was up and would automatically assume that he was the one at fault. Mary and Freddie jabbered away about our ski outing, which we all had been looking forward to. I worried a little though; hell I didn’t know if Roger even knew how to ski. I had skied several times prior but had never heard Roger even mention it. I think Mary was so very conversational because she was nervous about the whole ordeal. She had never skied and neither had Veronica.

 “Hey, you not like ya’ fruit? You want somethin’ else?” Roger asked of me. I flinched as I felt him elbow my arm.

 “Huh!? Wha…oh, oh no…no it’s…it’s fine. I like it just fine. I guess I’m…just very excited about…today. Anxious to go, ya’ know?” I gave Roger a smile. I wasn’t thoroughly convincing but he believed me in the moment. I flinched even greater when I felt Chrissie tapping my opposite shoulder, practically dropping my cigarette to the table.

 “Will you pass the sugar?” Chrissie pointed to the packets before me.

 “Yeah…yeah, here.” I quickly shoved the whole thing toward her and force-fed myself a grape. Chewing it proved to be a task. Immediately, Chrissie began firing questions at me and I could tell by her overall demeanor that she didn’t know. Brian still hadn’t told her a thing. He hadn’t said much this morning as she blabbed on about the ski resort shuttle, having lunch at the esteemed restaurant that we hadn’t yet tried, the condition of the slopes, blah, blah, blah.

 I was only half listening as I shoved my fruit away from me. I couldn’t take this shit anymore. It was getting to me. I pushed my chair from the table more aggressively than I should have. It clattered against Roger’s chair and the floor louder than it should have and interrupted Veronica and Mary’s conversation. Veronica darted her eyes up to me as I jammed what was left of my cigarette into the ashtray and threw my napkin to the table.

 “I’m gonna’ go get dressed, okay?” I asked of Roger, letting my hand slink around him.

 “Yeah, yeah okay. Hey, throw me a change of clothes into that bag on the bed with yours. I’ll be up in a few minutes.” He assured me. I gave him a smile in agreement before leaving the table and heading out of the resort restaurant. I moved quickly, and even quicker when I could hear the clang of a chair and footsteps following me.

 “Hey! Hey! Lydia! Hey! Stop!” I could hear Veronica’s voice trailing me down the hallway. I sighed and turned around, trying to keep a straight face.