Mothers day, today it me and my dad. Thank god i live in Seattle only because its not that sunny nor hot over here, which makes me able to wear long sleeve shirt & sweatshirts. Today I'm wearing my black Asking Alexandria sweatshirt and my black skinny jeans, that is what i whore basically everyday... me and my dad are gonna get things for my mom, i get up and get ready put my depressing cloths on and leave to have another day of hell.
"Are you ready?"-"yea,sure"
"Comn,not today miguel, don't have an attitude today." My dad said in a grumpy and annoyed tone. "Why cant you just be happy? You have an amazing life!"he says walking to the car. " i am happy..." only at that time i wish i could be saying the truth not for him but for me.
As we drive to Safeway to get flowers and stuff for mom, i think of my dads words "why cant I be happy?"
When we get there he tells me to pick flowers for the house, i look at the disgusting plants and walk to them. Touching each damp pedal and thinking how gentle they are and how they could be destroyed as easy as a human could. I find myself wondering off in space and come back to just pick a bunch of flowers and call it done. The ride back home was weird, it felt like it wasn't real,i was giving up on myself on the inside but didn't even realize it was happening to me.
Days went by after that, i didn't do anything but go to school,go home & be on Facebook the rest of the evening. But at night the demon i created inside me came out and all i wanted was to die , burn , my razor and knife were my best friends that were always there when i needed them. Every night i would let myself go and bring blood to the surface of my arms and ankles. Crying wasn't an option. It wasn't even a choice for me. Crying was a thing to do to show people how weak you were and i wouldn't dare to show people how hurt i was by them. Humans were my devil.
All through the month of may i was lost. Then the days started to last forever, i wanted it to end, i wanted everything to end. But i didn't do anything bad because i knew it would hurt people, mostly brianna, only because she was the only one that knew about me cutting.
After having conversation with her about me not doing anything stupid my cuts just got deeper and they were all over my arms... everyday in may was just a blur, i would wear black, only cause it felt like i was hiding i like that. During school days i would always think about me being a ghost and me floating & watching everything that life gives you, i was dead on the inside. My "friends" would always tell me to cover up my arms but to be honest i just didn't care anymore. I didn't care about anything. I also wasn't asking for attention, i just didn't care if people saw, and if they started to worry about me they can shove a stick up their ass and call it a day.
Each class was hell, even though i knew people cared, i blocked/pushed them away. At the end of the month of may all i thought about was Savannah, i wanted to talk to her, i wanted to laugh again. I wanted to feel something els besides pain and guilt. I wanted to be real. I put my knife to my throat one night wanted to feel blood gushing out of my neck but i couldn't move it. I couldn't make the choice, at that moment i knew that I knew there was something els to fight for.
"My life is so gentle not worth loosing." Thats something my parents would always tell me. I want to believe them but its hard when all you want is to die. The next day was sunny and felt good for some reason. After school i randomly texted savannah.
"Do you hate me?"-
-"who is this?"
"Uhhh..."-
-"uhhh?😒"
"Miguel..."-
-"oh,hi"
"Hi"-
-"i dont hate you"
"Are you mad at me?"-
-"no"
"I want to get to the point.. Can we be friends or nah?"-
-"hmmmmm. Sure lol i guess"
And then it went from there. I got into so much reading during the end of the school year, i couldn't take my face out of a book which was good a guess cause it was a distraction.
My life is filled with moments, moments that mean so much but yet could have destroyed me. Life is a beautiful thing.
A deadly thing.
