I remembered it hurt, it hurt to slice my arms in a swishy motion like someone would playing a violin.
But,that was then and i am here now, alive.
"Blow out the candles" my mom says during my 13th birthday, "what did you wish for?" Dad says in the background. "Now that dad, i cannot say" i say only hiding the fact that i wished to be happy...
When i first started cutting myself i knew that i was already starting to get lost in my own thoughts but i had to keep doing it because i had to feel something real. But i got attached to the feeling, the feeling of pain. My best friend helped me though , we helped each other through everything. I always had a crush on her but then again we dated like in 5th grade. Nothing big, just two little kids acting like they were older. We were the "cutest" couple ever but in reality we never talked. After we got older and started having real feelings for one another we broke up went through the fights that meant nothing but stupid drama that didn't mean shit.
I always ignored the thought of me being depressed... i didn't think i COULD be depressed, but one day i realized what i was doing to myself was obviously i sign of me being depressed. I was scared of the things i would do to myself someday.
"Is something wrong with me? Of course there is dumbass , you harm your self!" I asked my self one night.
I would cut myself every night, for months but never to were people could see them. Me and my best friend brianna would talk everyday & every time i would break. She always understood everything because she went through the same thing but she got through it so i would always think i would to. A main reason i was depressed was because of my friend savannah. She ripped me apart, talked a lot of shit behind my back and on Facebook, but i stopped crying and also couldn't cry. She made me hate everything and everybody! I fucking missed her but then i hated her,she was a bitch but i missed it...
Getting closer to the end of the school year i would be on the bus after school and see savannah and her boyfriend make out which would make me sick, not to mention i am the one that got them together. Brianna and me sat next to each other on the bus, usually we talked about the bullshit the teachers gave us that day. Some days she wouldn't be on the bus, but most of the time i didn't mind because i liked to be alone. But one day came where all i wanted was someone to actually care, banged my head on the windshield of the bus the hole way then when i got off i walked home, didn't listen to music or anything just looked at the floor and walked i didn't even care where i was going. When i got on my blocked i realized i was crying completely! Then i sat on the curve with my knees bent to where they would cover my face and cried...
When i got home i grabbed my razor and went over to the side of my bed, i wanted to do it so bad, its crazy the think that a 13 year old boy would actually want to kill himself. I sliced the tip of my wrist deep but i was scared, scared of all the people i could hurt. And where i would go. Stopping was my best decision but also my worst.
The world is fucked up.
~
"I know, I've seen it in the way you've been acting lately" brianna text answers
"Really?... i just ... idk what to do with myself anymore..." i reply crying my eyes out for whatever reason i had.
"Its okay thoe... Ill help you through this, like i always do 😄"
"Thanks..." i reply saying in my head "help me." Every night after that i started to care less about everything, school, friends, family, and life in general... brianna would always tell me that i am "better than this", i listened most of the time but still never changed.
School was just hell for me, every one called me gay and other shit out in the halls but i pretended to not care even though every cut was a tear that couldn't run down my cheek.
My cuts were mostly dedicated to the shit people gave me, and my parents , also not to mention that chick savannah. She was the only friend i could trust and actually lean on. I told her everything and made myself a home. I remember the times she actually made me smile, and laugh. The drama happened and i didn't know how to take it, SHE made me not wanna have people close because one day they wont want me anymore and then just leave me shattered.
After i while of dealing with people's shit i didnt care about anything
Then i started cutting on my wrists often...
Oops.
