A Loveless Marriage

Chapter 14: Mary

There was a still silence as Fred remained frozen above me. Tears welled up in my eyes, I regretted telling him the truth as soon as the words had tripped off my tongue. I should have known that my secrets were better locked deep down, to remain hidden and denied. Every second of silence was tortured, each tick of the clock beat deep into my heart. Fred frowned slightly, I wondered if the disgust and anger were building up inside him ready to spill over me in cold fury.

"You're not a virgin?" he asked, the frown deepening on his strong forehead.

"No," I mumbled, the back of my throat swelling.

It made me queasy to think about it, the shame I had carried around for years and now I was confessing it out loud it seemed even more terrible. I knew Fred would start hating me, he would think I was a liar and a hypocrite and he would be right. I braced myself for his words, knowing that they would cut me deeper than a knife. He exhaled deeply.

"Well, I am not a virgin either," he said, an unexpected grin forming.

I looked at him, dumbfounded. The smile widened and he stroked a stray strand of hair away from my face.

"I can indulge in a hypocritical tantrum later," he said. "But I can't argue with you now, not when you are looking so beautiful."

He kissed me before I could gasp. It was a deep, strong kiss that pulled my mind from our words. If only I could stay in his embrace forever, if only this could be real. The spell did not last long, my fears started to creep in. I wondered how he could not be disgusted with me. I feared that he really was as jaded and debauched as I had first thought him or worse still that I meant so little to him. Fred stopped kissing me and looked down at me.

"Mary?" he said. "Are you still with me?"

There was an edge of frustration in his voice, my stomach twisted as I realised this was all he wanted from me. I couldn't fathom why this disappointed me so much, why I wanted him to care. Maybe I needed his anger to reflect the disgust I felt for myself, maybe I needed him to acknowledge that the only reason I had agreed to marry a scoundrel man like him wasthat I was already ruined. Whatever it was, I wanted more than forgiveness for the sake of his carnal pleasure.

"Are you disappointed with me for my lack of jealousy?" he nuzzled into my neck. "Do you want me to abuse you for being a fallen woman?"

I made no reply, hot tears burning in my eyes. In truth, I didn't know what I wanted.

"We all make mistakes, Mary," he said, softly kissing my cheeks. "Perhaps if you'd been more forgiving of my past, you would understand how I could forgive yours."

"There is a difference," I said. "I am ruined by my past, but you ruined others with yours."

Fred sat up, his face tense as he looked down on me. I wondered if I had pushed my luck. I should have kept quiet whilst he was willing to overlook my past sins, virginity was the one thing that all men prized in their wives and it was the one thing I did not bring to the marriage.

"Is that what you think, Mary?" he said, his voice hoarse and dangerous. "That I am a monster that has corrupted innocent little flowers like yourself?"

There was a cruel mockery on his face, every angle was dark and sharp. I made no reply. He rolled his eyes and sighed with impatience.

"Those women were only too eager to have me in their bed," he said, a slight sneer on his lip. "As willing as you were."

The heat of my blush burned on my cheeks, I glanced down and became painfully aware of my nakedness. I sat up and pulled the sheets over my body in shame. Fred gave a hollow laugh as he moved from the bed to gather up his clothes.