Ivy of Our Hearts

Twenty-four

I visited Nora that night, but I didn't stall like I had before. I went straight to her and knelt in the dirt. Her flower had been removed, so the twigs tied together were all that marked her grave. I plucked a dandelion out of the grass and placed it where the rose had been. I didn't have any dead relatives or friends and struggled to find something to say.

I said, "I hope you like dandelions." But that made me feel silly and I regretted it as soon as the words came from me.

You couldn't talk to someone who would never answer back. Visiting graves had no purpose other than to comfort ourselves. Leaning forward, I brushed my fingers across the rope binding the twigs. The rope had been tied so tightly it frayed in places. I sighed, a noise barely audible over the forest's nightly chorus, crickets and owls and other animals whose sounds I had no name for.

Despite my hesitation, my heart felt light in my chest, as if it weren't there at all, as if it had deflated to make more room for Phillip.

"Nora," I said. "Did he tell me the truth? Did you die from old age?" Of course, no one answered, but I continued. "He's the first boy I've ever loved, but something's not right is it?" I had never said it out loud. I loved him. It surprised me how easy it came. "Should I be afraid of him?" I asked her. "Can you fear and love someone at the same time?"

I closed my eyes and listened hard, trying to shut out the forest so Nora's answer would be heard. My mind rested on the memory of Phillip, Margaret, and I in the field. The dead can't hear us in their graves, he'd said. Anything would have been sufficient, a sway of the leaves, a fallen star launched across the sky, a name in the wind. No such thing happened, not even an owl hooted when I opened my eyes.

"I found your picture in the wardrobe," I said. "And the note you left in a book. You were—" A scraping noise made the words catch in my throat. "Nora," I said. I stood, but the noise hadn't been from her grave. It had come from around the cabin. The scraping got louder and stopped. Manderley cawed. I'd wanted to hear from Nora, but my shoulders, which had been up to my ears, relaxed. Manderley wanted to be let out.

I moved from Nora's grave to the fence where Manderley joined me seconds later. She settled onto it. She had a bemused expression on her face, and I wondered if she'd heard me talking to Nora, or maybe she always looked that way. I reached out my hand. She took a step back. "Fine then," I said. "Be that way."

But I guess I deserved it. I hadn't been so kind to her. Although, after trying to talk to a dead person, I more than welcomed Manderley's company.

The lights in the cabin were off, so we were the only two awake. I reached down and plucked out another dandelion. Offering it to her, she canted her head at me. I raised it up to my lips, pretending as if I was going to eat it. Manderley stood up straighter.

"Do you want it or not?" I asked, offering it to her again. As she always did with her meals, she tore off the head of the flower before she nipped the stem from my fingers. When she'd finished, I reached out my hand to stroke her the way I'd seen Phillip do it. She let me run my thumb over her head. "You aren't so bad after all, are you?" I said, laughing.

***

Despite my worries, I enjoyed the ease of living in the cabin with Phillip and Margaret. We spent the morning and the early part of the afternoon doing chores. I hummed to the song on the radio in the front room while I straightened our bedroom. Margaret cleaned the bathroom. Phillip cleaned the kitchen and living room.

A pile of me and Margaret's dirty clothes sat near the door. I bundled them up and carried them into the living room. In the kitchen, Phillip swayed his hips to the melody. Dumping the clothes onto the couch next to his dirty pile, I smiled. He'd been scrubbing the wood stove. When he saw me watching, he tossed the old rag onto the table and held out his hand.

I waved my hands and backed away, nearly falling over. "No, I can't dance," I said, but he came and took my hand anyway.

He pulled me against his chest. "It's easy," he breathed. I tried to pull away, but he pulled me even closer. "Relax, Ivy."

I loved the way he smelled, like the woods when it rained. He spun me. From the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Margaret watching us from the bathroom. I'm ashamed to admit, seeing the way she watched us made me glad. When the song finished, Phillip gave me a swift peck on the cheek.

My first one from him, and I wished to bottle it up.

"Ivy," Margaret said, storming into the room. "Do you want to get started on the clothes?" I might have imagined it, but I swore she rolled her eyes.

"We should," I said, still a bit lightheaded from the kiss. Such a minuscule gesture made me want to combust. I picked up our pile of clothes.

"The basin's over there," Phillip said, nodding at a large wooden bucket he'd dragged out. "The soap's on the counter," he said. He grabbed it and tossed it to me. It landed on top of the pile in my hands.

Margaret grabbed the basin. Phillip had already filled it up with water from the tub. It sloshed as she carried it out of the door. I followed her with the clothes.

She put the basin down near the fence. I dumped the clothes near it and poured in the bottle of soap. As Margaret began to sort through the pile, I ran my hand through the basin to blend the soap with the water. My hand smelled like lime after.

We did the laundry by dumping as much of the clothes into the basin as it could hold. We used our hands to knead the clothes and to ring them free of as much soap as possible. Our arms were tired, our fingers pruned by the time we finished. The clothes were laid out across the fence to dry.

"I'll pour this out back," Margaret said, taking up the basin. Most of the water in it had been used up. She turned to leave.

She'd see Nora's grave. I reached out my hand. "Margaret, wait. I'll take it." Phillip hadn't told her about Nora yet. I hoped he would soon.

"No, go clean up," she said. "I'll be one second." She started forward again with the basin clutched against her chest.

I couldn't figure out how to keep her from seeing Nora's grave, so I stood there with my arm outstretched.