Life//Kim Jonghyun//

Weekends

*Warning this chapter includes self harm*

"Mom, no. Don't leave me with him, I can't live without you."

"I'm sorry, his drinking is out of control, his gambling is causing our debt to rise, and his act is ruining our family. I need to leave to start over. If I bring you with me he'll pester me to get you back, I want him out of my life and you in it, but he'll just cause more problems if that were to happen. I'm sorry son, I love you, it's time I leave."

She walked away from me just like that.
__________months later_____________

I walked through the hospital, leading up to room 2450. She laid there pale faced, and her heart rate was slow but steady. She looked weak and frail like a feather, but she still raised her head up to look at me.

She smiled a weak smile, but a truthful one.

"Hey mom. How are you feeling?"

"I feel as if I could walk on water now that you're here." I didn't visit her up until now.

"I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry I'm a failure, a disgrace, unwanted, a mistake, a burden. I'm just so sorry, I'm the worst son to ask for."

"If that all were true, at least you are my failure, and mistake, but you are always wanted by me and others. It may not seem like it, but you are loved. I love you son." She reached her hand out to me. I took her hand in shock as to what she just said to me.

"I lov-" *Beeeeeeeeeeeep* her heart rate went flat. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, it looked as if her soul just left her body.

"I LOVE YOU MOM, I LOVE YOU TOO! PLEASE COME BACK PLEASE... Mom, please." I cried out on my knees, holding her cold and frail hand.

The doctor came in and told me that she had passed.

"Jonghyun" I heard a voice say.

"Mom" I said holding onto the person I assumed was my mom. "Mom, don't leave me please." I began to cry.

"Jonghyun!" I was shook harder waking me from my sleep. "Hmmm?" I hummed as a question. "Jonghyun, your sweating bad. You were also yelling, crying and clinging onto me. Are you okay, I mean did you have a nightmare?" She asked, concern taking over her voice.

I looked around, I'm in Y/n's bed. "Y-yeah I had a nightmare, I-I had to re watch my mom die on her deathbed." I said in a husky and cracked voice.

She held me close to her and started to caress my back, drawing invisible patterns on it. "Its okay now, your with me." I cuddled up to her more to get a better rest.

"What time is it?" I asked. "4:44" She answered. I thought of Bang Yongguk's song 4:44 after she said that, It surprisingly helped me sleep.

As I woke up, I felt something wet consume my face, it was Y/n's tears. I looked up to see my tight grip on her, red marks shone on her skin.

"I'm sorry." I whispered unautabaly .

I didn't feel like going back to sleep, It was already 9AM. why would I go back to sleep anyways? I would just hurt Y/n again. I got up and went to the kitchen.

I wanted to thank Y/n for being so nice to me by making her breakfast, taking out the eggs, basil, chives, pepper, and bacon. I was planning on making her an omelet.

Pulling the knife from the block of wood that held it, I felt the sharpness. "could cut skin." I said to myself.

I put the scrambled egg into a pan, cut up some basil and chives. I then placed them into the pan as well.

I picked the knife up once more to cut some of the bacon into bits. I missed the bacon, and sliced a bit of my finger.

It felt nice.

I bandaged my fresh but small wound, and continued to cook the omelet for her. While I was finding the Band-Aids, I found a needle. I put it in my pocket.

I walked into her room, shaking her from her sleep to notify her that breakfast is done. She looked up at me confused for a second, but then her eyes adjusted to the light and she smiled.

Cute.

As she made her way to the small dining table, her eyes widen.

She sat down and ate, smiling as she did. "Do you like it?" I asked. "Yes, very much. where did you learn to make this?" she replied

I looked away before answering "When you grow up being your own parent, you have to learn things like cooking to live. "She looked down, apologetic almost, as I just stared into space.

"Wanna watch tv?" She asked, clearing the air. I looked at her and nodded.

I made my way to the couch, laying on my back, putting my legs on it as well. Y/n moved my right leg, got in between my legs, then put my right one over her.

I was somehow fine with this. A few episodes had passed, and now it was commercial break. "Hey, can I go take a shower?" I asked, other plans in mind. "Go ahead, no need to ask. It's down the hall to the right."

I removed my legs from her, standing up, then stretching feeling the cool air hit me. I made my way to the bathroom, picking my clothes up from the laundry room.

I turned the water on to make her think I'm in the shower. I looked in her cabinets, drawers, and closet, no sharp objects. I then thought of my pocket. I took the needle out and a piece in my mouth so I wouldn't lose it while I took my clothes off.

I got in the shower, cleaning any oil or dirt from my arms, then I started poking. I didn't like cutting myself, I didn't want scars...but temporary pain. I poked myself, sometimes so far I would almost lose grip of the needle.

I stopped when there was only blood showing in the water as it ran down my body. I got out of the shower and cleaned the blood up. I heard a knock.

"Just a sec!"
"I'm coming in, I'm afraid you fell in." And so she did. She looked at me and smiled, but it fell as her eyes trailed to my arms that had blood drops mixed with water.

She looked me dead in the eyes, not removing eye contact for what felt like hours. She then had a tear slip from her eye, which signaled for her to hug me. "Kim Jonghyung, tell me what's wrong. Why did you do it?" Her voice cracked. I looked down at her precious little head looking up at me, and kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it exactly, but I know what sparked it." I replied, keeping eye contact. I saw a tear was about to slip through, so I wiped it away. My hands cupped her face, I lowered my head and put it on hers.

"You don't have to tell me, just tell me you won't do it again. EVER again." She gritted through her teeth. I smiled and kissed her forehead. She looked up at me, then down at my arms and started to caress them.

She then took a towel and wiped the blood away. She then got up on her toes and pecked my cheek, then bolting out of the bathroom after. I ran, but she ran so fast that she had disappear my sight. I turned a corner and there she was. I had scared her and her hands flew up, so I took this chance to catch her hands and pin her against the wall, hands above her. I held both of her wrist with one hand as I pulled my towel around my waist tighter. She failed to realize it up until now. I then placed gentle kisses all over her face as a thank you for everything. Her face was red.
Cute.

I then booped her nose, and walked away to go change.

Why does she make me feel this way?

Editor
No lie I'm crying