Tw: mention of self harm
"I'm gonna take a bath." She finally speaks, her voice breaking. She turns and walks down the short hallway past me, into the bathroom. I upset her. Shes all I care about, and I know she cares about me too, so why does it scare her when I show concern for her? I know she hates that she hurts me, but I couldn't care less. I need her here with me, but she's so distant. My mind is a jumble. My mind is always so organized, except when it comes to her. I can hear the water running from the faucet down the hall. She might hurt herself if she's in there alone. I don't want to hurt her more, but I need to check on her. I slowly walk towards the door. I hesitate a bit before knocking twice, lightly. I drop my head, scared to see her face when she opens the door. I don't care if I seem weak, I just need her to know I care. I hear her choked voice on the other side. "Come in." She sounds so exhausted and broken I just need to make her feel better any way I can. I open the door quickly and see her standing next to the tub with her arms wrapped around her, making her shirt scrunch at her waist and showcasing just how much weight she lost.
"Oli." I breathe out. I reach out to her and she doesn't back away. "Im sorry." There's nothing else I can think of to do other than apologize. She lets me wrap my arms around her, and she nuzzles her head into my chest. I can feel her heavy breathing in my arms and I realize just how upset she is. "I'm sorry too." Her voice is muffled through my shirt.
"For what?" I ask.
"For putting you through this. You don't deserve this. I shouldn't hurt you just because I'm hurting." She cries into my shirt, still not looking up at me.
"Let's just put this all behind us, okay? Let's focus less on the pain and more on the making you better."
She nods into my chest. "A bath will make you feel better." I let go of her small frame. I turn to leave, but she grabs my wrist before I can reach the door.
"Don't leave." She whispers, so quiet I almost don't hear it.
"Are you sure?" I ask. She's never felt comfortable with me seeing her body. I feel bad for leaving her alone for so long, so I stay. She nods again and reaches for the hem of her shirt. She starts to pull it up slowly, unsure. I can see her hip bones poking through her black underwear. She pulls it up further and I see the multiple marks and gashes along her stomach and thighs. I notice it on her wrists too. She continues and I see her ribs. I could count them all without even trying. She finally pulls the shirt all the way over her head and shakes her hair out. The dirty blonde makes her look young and innocent, while the many scars on her body say otherwise. She starts to unclasp her bra. I feel awkward just staring at her body as she undresses, but she doesn't want me to leave, so I stay. Her nude bra falls off her shoulders and onto the ground. Her chest is rising and falling rapidly as she effortlessly slides her underwear off as well. She's never let me see her body like this. Whenever we would do something that required nakedness, she'd always request the lights to be off or at least dimmed. She's always careful to hide from me and it worries me. Nonetheless, this is a good step forward. Her exposing all her scars and her bare self with no protection is one of the most intimate things she could have done and I now know that this experience has strengthened us. She walks to the tub and pretends I'm not here. She tests the temperature of the water coming out of the faucet and then turns it off. She steps into the warm water slowly and begins to shiver, despite the obvious steam coming from the tub. I watch silently as she slowly sinks into the steam and the water starts to pool around her until she hits the floor of the tub. She curls her knees to her chest and holds onto her legs trying not to shiver. I can see her thighs shaking, even though she tries to hide it. No, I've never seen her body properly, but it occurs to me that she's never seen mine either. I begin to unbutton my purple shirt and unroll the sleeves. I can feel her vulnerability seeping into me too. I take the shirt off and begin to unbutton my pants. She watches me, looking upwards with a calm expression on her face. She doesn't seem to care that I'm doing this, which makes me feel better. I was secretly scared she would react negatively, but she seems way too out of it to even notice what I'm doing. I pull down my pants and boxers and walk towards the tub. Her eyes follow me as I step into the hot water and slowly sink in the same way she did. I mirror her and pull my knees up and stare into her eyes. She stares back and we stay like that for what feels like hours. "I'm sorry" I finally whisper. She nods back at me, but I'm not upset. She doesn't need to speak right now. I know she forgives me. I lean into her face and support myself by holding onto the sides of the slippery walls. I pause with my mouth by her ear before coming back to the center of her face and kissing her cheek. I pull back slowly and watch her blink in recognization. I try to forget the way her tears taste.
