Being a hero always seemed like a good idea. When you were a kid you would see all the cartoons and comic books of superheroes saving the world and defeating bad guys, and you thought "That's the best thing you can be." And I kept that stupid childhood dream up until now. I never realized how hard it is. Being a hero isn't all about saving people, it's about sacrifice. You have to sacrifice everything you care about and it hurts. And here I am. Sitting alone in my bed sacrificing yet another thing to Haze. My sanity. My sleep. I'm awake just thinking about how I'll never be normal again. When I do sleep I'm bombarded by nightmares, a symptom of my PTSD. Something most heroes carry with them. I can't stop crying and I try to remind myself of the happy things, the yellow things. Peter, Ned, and Michelle. And Spiderman, too. All the people who keep me here. Without them who knows where I'd be. Probably six feet under. Just thinking about them isn't enough. I need human interaction. I can't feel my fingertips my room is so cold. I get up onto my feet and walk to my overhead fan. I pull on the chain and it slows to a stop. I watch mesmerized, as the blades spin so slowly that they don't even appear to be moving. The speed is beautiful, I love it. It's captured me ever since I was a kid. I ponder my possibilities. Right now, I could either see Peter or Spiderman. Peter is across the hall, but I don't want to wake him. I think my best course of action is to go patrolling, which usually results in me bumping into Spidey, and if I dont, at least I've still cleared my mind by fighting bad guys. I go into my dresser and pull out my all black suit. I take off my comfy pajamas and pull on the flexible material. Once I've pulled all my fingers into the gloves and straightened out the hood, I walk to my bathroom. I pull out my makeup and smear my signature black eye cream under my eyes to help me stay hidden. I reach back into my cabinet and grab my mask. I click it into place and look at myself in the mirror over my sink. I haven't properly looked at myself like this in a long time. Maybe in a year. I look different, scarier. Probably just puberty. I walk back out of the bathroom and grab my knives and gun from under my bed. I strap them into their assigned places on my suit and walk out onto my small balcony. I lock the window behind me and face the night. The air fills my lungs and I've never felt more refreshed. I haven't patrolled in a while. I really needed this. I jump down from the balcony onto the concrete below and start walking down the street. The first part is always the most awkward. I don't have spider sense like spidey, so I never know where to start. I decide to gain more height. I stealthily climb up the building to the right of mine and perch on the roof. I can see the whole city from up here, but more importantly I can see a small flash of blue in the distance. I'll let him come to me, I don't wanna look desperate. He'll see me soon enough. I walk along the edge of the roof until I see what I'm looking for. A little ways away I can see two muggers robbing a young woman. I run and drive off the side of the building. I deploy my gliders and float adjacent to the pavement before pulling up and gaining distance. I get comfortable with the speed of the wind before falling back into routine. I close my eyes, wishing I had brought my goggles. Once I land on the roof perpendicular to the alley where the crime is taking place, I check out the situation. Thankfully I got here fast enough that the robbery is still taking place. There are two burly men in ski masks grabbing at the womans purse and pointing their guns at her. They're yelling an awful lot and she looks to be crying. It's hard to control my anger in situations like this, but calm is key when fighting, so I loosen my fists and dive down into the alley. I land on mugger number 1 and knock him completely down. His head hit the concrete and he's out cold. Mugger number 2 screams and let's go of the woman's purse. I motion at the woman to run while she can before getting up and back kicking the guy in the face. It feels good to hit things again. His nose is bleeding and he screams in pain. He charges at me and I prepare to punch him, but before he reaches me he is pushed against the wall by a not-so-invisible force. "Long time no see." He turns to me.
"Hey, Spidey." I reply smiling. It's been too long. He finishes webbing the mugger to the wall before completely turning towards me.
"Where have you been lately?" I can't see his facial expression but his voice sounds almost hurt.
"I've been busy with school, you know." I reply, shrinking up in the midst of confrontation.
"It's been a long week without you." He looks down at the pavement. Spideys usually the happiest guy I know, I wonder what's gotten into him. Either way, I need to make up for lost time.
"What do you say we just chill on a rooftop and catch up?" I ask, hopeful. I can't see it but I feel his face light up and I can kinda see the corners of his mouth through his mask lift up.
"Sure!"
The next thing I know we're gliding through the night sky together to our very special roof. We always go to this roof. We've never addressed the fact that we always go to this roof. I think it's kind of like an unspoken rule that this is the best rooftop to have deep, meaningful conversations on at 3:00 in the morning. I land roughly, stumbling a bit once my feet hit the ground. Spidey lands perfectly and turns to face me. He looks expectant. It's been so long since we've done this I think he forgot what to do first. I take the first step and sit down on the edge. I maneuver my feet so that they're dangling off the side and then wait for him to do the same. He slowly makes his way over and mimics my movements from earlier. I turn my head to look at him with worry in my eyes. "Are you ok? You seem down."
He shakes his head and then answers "yeah I'm fine, just school life being confusing."
"What about it is confusing?" I press further.
"I don't know, there's this girl I like, but she doesn't like me back and that on its own is enough to get a guy depressed, you know? But then there's also my failing grades and you not being here to talk. It's just all too much." He sighs.
"I'm really sorry I wasn't here." I look down. Now I feel guilty.
"It's ok, why werent you patrolling anyways?"
"I thought I needed a break. Maybe I was wrong. Without patrolling I just ended up having no outlet for my thoughts so I'm not sleeping."
"What were you thinking about?"
"The sacrifices we have to make for this."
"This?" He asks, confused.
"This." I motion to to us and then to the city lights in front of us.
"Oh, I see."
"Yeah. It sucks."
He shrugs "yeah but it's kinda worth it, at least in my opinion."
"Of course it is, I'm just tired of having so many goddamn nightmares."
"My friend gets those too, I guess it's just a part of being a superhero."
"Exactly. We pretty much sacrifice our whole sanity for this, for helping people. And the thanks we get is mental instability? I'm tired of it. As kids heroes are portrayed as gods, and we believe it. Now we're living it and it sucks ass."
"Maybe that's just part of growing up. You get tired. As kids, every little thing matters to the color crayon you use in your coloring book. Nothing matters to us now. We're all just kind of living. So I see where you're coming from."
I look to him. "You're really well spoken. I like listening to you speak, it's one of the only things that I actually can connect with. I'm glad you're my friend. And I know that's cheesy, but I'm just saying. I'm really thankful for you. I'm really sorry I ditched you all week."
He looks to me and I can imagine us making eye contact through his mask. "Don't be sorry. You shouldn't feel obligated to talk to me. Do what makes you happy. And if something doesn't make you happy them learn from it and find something else that does."
I smile at his words and start to tear up. "You're one of the smartest people I know. You remind me a lot of this guy I'm friends with."
"How so?" He looks at me questioningly.
"You're both so smart and well spoken, you both make me immeasurably happy, and I know that if he had powers, he would be sitting with us right now. He always wants to do what's right. Just like you."
"I don't know what to say to that." He looks down, blushing underneath his mask.
"You don't have to say anything, just know that it's true." I look at him admiringly.
"You matter so much to me, Haze. And I know that's cheesy and I'm sorry if that's too up front, but you really do. I couldn't even go a week without you without feeling like I was losing my mind. I only ever see you for a couple hours a day, but youre like the glue keeping my life together and I'm so thankful for that." He maintained eye contact with me throughout his whole speech and looked at me expectantly once he was finished.
My eyes start tearing up again. "I didn't know I could mean that much to someone." My voice breaks and now the tears are falling in a steady stream. "If it means anything to you, I feel the same way. Every day, I look forward to spending time with you. You are the most amazing person I know."
"That means the world to me." He smiles.
"I'm never going to leave you again, I'm so sorry." My vision is becoming blurry from the tears flooding my face.
"Don't feel bad, it's okay. I don't blame you. Sometimes I want a break too." He continues smiling slightly and looking at me.
"I understand. Life is stressful. And I get what you were saying about liking someone who doesn't like you back." The tears have slowed and I finally have the courage again to look at spideys mask.
"Do you have a hopeless crush too?" His head cocks to the side as he asks the question.
"God, yes. And he likes someone else. It's torture." I roll my eyes.
"Yeah, the girl I like doesn't even see me romantically, were like best friends. I just wish she would see me the way I see her." He frowns slightly.
"That's not as bad as constantly seeing the boy you're in love with drool over Liz Allen. Shes gorgeous and super popular and I'm no one and it hurts." I put my head in my hands and try not to start crying again.
"Liz Allen?" Peter sounds surprised. I look up.
"Do you know her?" I ask.
"Uh, no, sorry just thought her name sounded familiar for a second." He laughs nervously.
