So this is a one-shot that continues on from my other one. It’s Troye’s response to Tyler’s letter. This isn't the second part I was talking about, someone requested this so that's why I wrote it, the other part is still on it's way. Tbh not really happy with this, but I didn't want to be that person, so I decided just to post it. Lemme know what you think xx :)
Receiving that letter had been like getting the wind knocked out of me. You hadn’t signed it but you didn’t need to. I knew it was from you. I knew you had written it. I had sat alone in my hotel room and cried. Cried for the pain I caused you. Cried because I knew what that letter had meant. That it was over. That it was your final way of saying goodbye. Of letting me go.
I don’t want you to let me go Tilly. I lost myself for a while, I know that. I got caught up in the fame and the attention. Everyone started telling what to do, how to act. This had always been my dream, I never wanted to lose it, not after just finally achieving it; so I did what they said. I changed my personality, wore different clothes, got a new haircut, acted more confident than I really was. I became a new person. The person they wanted me to be. But it wasn’t worth it, if the cost was losing you.
Most day’s I didn’t even have time to think, flying from one country to the next; doing radio shows, interviews, writing songs, recording those songs or planning tours. At night I would fall in to bed exhausted. I never had time to call you. That doesn’t mean I didn’t want to, I did, but suddenly there weren’t enough hours in the day.
I couldn’t believe it when we became friends. That you, Tyler Oakley actually wanted to spend time with me, actually wanted to be my friend. Because you were always the popular one, the one everyone loved, the one the guys always hit on at the bar, the one who’s laugh was contagious, the one who I could just sit and listen to for hours because you were endlessly fascinating. And I was just me. But you laughed at my stupid jokes, you watched me when I told stories like a child hearing a fairy tale for the first time and I could never fathom why. I still can’t.
I’m scared I’m not that boy any more Ty. That boy that you knew. I’m afraid I’ve changed, that I’ve let it get too far. You always said it was important to grow and that you didn’t have to be the person you were five minutes ago. That growth was healthy, that it was good. But what if it meant I grew away from you. What if the person I’ve become is no longer compatible with you. That scares me the most because despite the separation I’ve always had this idea that we would met up again one day when the craziness of our lives dimmed and we would settle back into our old routine; that we would just sort of pick up where we left off. But what if we met up and were different people. What if we can’t fit the pieces back together?
You said that I never called or texted but either did you. I started to feel like maybe I was bothering you, that if you wanted to talk to me then you would. And I waited, waited much longer then it’s deemed reasonable or healthy. In the end I resorted to turning off my phone because I could not handle the certainty that you were not even trying to talk to me. I watched your videos every week hoping for a mention of me, desperately wanting for you to utter my name. You never did.
When I met you that day if had felt weird. We hadn’t spoken in months. I thought you had moved on, that you didn’t really care about me anymore. You didn’t even look at me once, not properly anyway. If you had, you would have seen my eyes calling for you, begging for you to remember me. Now I realise you hadn’t forgotten, you just thought I had. I’m a fool for making you think that.
Because I could never forget you Tilly. How could I? I loved you. Pease know that I loved you so fucking much. I still do, which is ridiculous considering we haven’t spoken in years. You were my first love. Even now after all this time I have never been able to love someone like I loved you. Every day of my life I regret not telling you. But I was afraid; afraid of your reaction, afraid of the implications that my confession would have. I didn’t want to lose you, that’s kind of ironic looking back on it now.
I will never be able to forgive myself for giving you up. I’m sorry, I’m so unbelievably and irrefutably sorry. Hurting you was that last thing I ever wanted to do. It kills me to know that I did. But honestly I wasn’t aware that I could. You were always so self-assured, so confident, so strong. I admired you for all of that, as they were attributes I was lacking in. I think that was one of the main reasons we got along so well. While we were similar we were also vastly different. We balanced each other out.
Do you even know how many songs I’ve written about you. Whenever I think of your tendency to do silly voices, or how you would blush whenever someone said we’d be a cute couple, or how you would sigh contently when I ran my fingers through your hair, my mind can’t be stilled and I just write for hours. There was no week that passed where I didn’t think of you. You were the person I thought about every New Year’s when the clock struck midnight and the thing I wished for every year when I blew out my birthday candles.
But a shooting star or a bated breath cannot fix the mess I made and I know that it is over; that you’re not coming back. That whatever we had is gone. Losing you was the biggest mistake I have ever made and I’ll regret it until the day I die. I can’t stop crying Tilly because I didn’t just lose the love of my life, I lost my best friend. And I’d do anything to have you back. But I can’t send this letter, I can’t drag you back into this, I can’t hurt you again. Because if the pain I’m feeling is any indication of that pain you have felt it would not be right to make you feel that again. I left it too long. I was too late. I’m so sorry.
Goodbye, Tyler.
