AS I PUSH YOU AWAY

Chapter 4: MISSING PILL

SOPHIA IZABELLE

Two days had passed since that incident and Nate didn't bother me anymore.

It was a peaceful days for me and I feel like I'm back to my normal days.

So today, nothing's really important. Our Science teacher didn't come to meet us because there was an emergency meeting for the faculties.

And now, here I am on my usual spot in the room, fulfilling my happiness, reading a book entitled Flash of Blue.

Nakakarelate ako sa protagonist. Siya din kase, she felt left out by her own family. Her brother died and she took something very valuable from him. So she blamed herself for his death. Feeling niya, siya ang responsable sa pagkakamatay niya. When in fact, she's not. From that, parang lahat nalang ng gagawin niya ay mali na in the eyes of her parents. She felt really vurnerable.

The saddest thing in life is being left by someone whom you thought would never leave.

And you know what's worst? Being ignored even if they're very much aware of your presence.

By that, I, myself, know that I am worthless. And that, I don't deserve to be loved because I am useless.

"Here, take this. Punasan mo 'yan."

Someone offered me a tissue, and it was our classmate, our vice president, my seatmate, Louis.

Dominique Louis Salvo.

Dominant name, right?

Yes, that's him, the one and only.

We're not that close, but we get along due to some school stuffs.

I replied with a "huh" look.

"Yung luha mo, punasan mo."

Nilakbay ko ang aking pisngi gamit ang aking kanang kamay at tama nga siya,  naluluha nga ako.

"Oh, sorry. And thank you."

"No worries. Just let it out. Cry it all. If that'll make you okay, then, just let it be."

He let out a very warm smile that melts my heart.

Ugh! Now, this is awkward. Not to mention that he's my crush. Uhh, girly thing.

He then nodded and left without uttering a follow up statement after he said that.

 The book I just reed triggers my deep sentiments.

The reel characters made it real for they conceptualizes my perspectives about family.

Minutes later...

Sumulpot na lang bigla si Nate at biglang sabi,

"Hey, I won't ask you if you're okay because obviously you're not. But if anything happens, you know I can always be your crying shoulder."

I did not utter a single word.

"Hey, I won't promise I can make you fine but just cry on my shoulder please.
I had no handkerchief to offer you but my shoulder can be your handkerchief."

"Leave me alone"

"I promise I won't talk, just let it out."

"I said leave me alone please"

He just smiled, and it irritates me.

"Baka ako ang dahilan ng pagluha mo ha?"

He made his way beside me and sat while laughing out loud.

The fuck, nandito na naman ang kupal.

"C'mon, Belle. I'm listening..."

"Hey, spill it out, young lady"

"May I remind you that seconds earlier you just said that you'll zip your mouth. Now, please leave."

"I won't leave until I'm assured that you're really fine."

"Fine. First and foremost, you're not the reason why I cried. Second, para sa kaalaman mo, sobrang na touch ako sa binabasa ko.
And lastly, if wala ka nang importanteng sasabihin, you can freely make your exit, as soon as possible."

Okay na sana ang moment with Louis when that bastard came and ruined everything.

Bumalik ako sa pagbabasa at hindi ko namalayan na dumaloy ulit ang luha sa mga mata ko.

And when that happens, I'm shookt when he wiped my face with his bare hands, and hell, in front of my classmates.

Damn. Why is he still here?

Without any hesitation, he grabbed my hands, filling the gaps between my fingers.

"Let's go outside. The atmosphere here is not appropriate for crying."

"No, you leave. I'll stay here. Umalis ka mag isa mo."

Binawi ko ang aking kamay.

"Let's go, come with me."

Hinila nya pabalik ang kamay ko.

"I said leave! Are you fucking deaf?! If I say I wanna be alone, I totally mean it! Now, please leave.
Leave!"

Tumaas ang boses ko at tumingin ang mga kaklase namin sa aming gawi.

"Okay."

His voice seemed so cold.
He walked the steps to the door and slammed it real hard.

Damn. Bakit ko ba sinabi iyon?

Ang buti ng ipinakita ng tao pero tinaboy ko pa.

Sa dinamirami ba naman kasi ng pagkakataon na  ako'y lumuha, bakit sa harapan pa ng taong iyon?

I'm in state of shock for almost a minute at hanggang sa pag alis nya, eh nakatingin pa rin ako sa gawi nya.

Di man lang nakasambit ng kahit anong salita.

Kahit man lang "Salamat".

And for that, I feel guilty.

I feel guilty for making him leave.

Not knowing...

that since that day

...his presence

will be my kind of missing pill.

My Nate...

My missing pill.