yellow - grayson dolan | © 2018

Twelve

I stayed with Emily all night. She's still in a coma. I woke up around six am, despite being how tired I was. I couldn't sleep, I was too anxious.

But, she didn't move, not even an inch. Jess and Grayson went to go get coffee. They asked me if I wanted to come, to get fresh air and some space, but I politely declined. I couldn't leave Emily. If anything were to happen, I would want to be by her side.

When they got back, they brought me a coffee. I was standing by the edge of the hospital bed, staring at Emily's lifeless, deadweight body. Jess took one of the chairs and Grayson took the other.

"Lauren. Sit down." Grayson patted his lap. I carefully walked over and gently sat on his lap. He wrapped his arms around my waist and held my hands. He was rubbing his thumbs back and forth to try and calm me a bit.

***

Another hour goes by and nothing is happening. Jess had to leave because she had to get things sorted out at her work. She said it wouldn't take long. I feel myself getting dizzy and tired and laying my head on Gray's shoulder.

"You alright?" I nodded my head and felt my eyelids getting heavy. Well, that was until I heard the most painful sound my ears could ever process.

Emily's heart had flatlined.

I jumped out of my seat, already sobbing, and grabbed Emily's hand.

"Emily!" I screamed.

A bunch of doctors and nurses sprinted in and one had a defibrillator and tore open Emily's hospital gown.

"1, 2, 3... Clear!" They shocked her about three times but nothing happened. I could feel my heart skipping beats. I couldn't breathe. I started choking on my own breath and soon realized I was having a panic attack.

Before I fell, Grayson grabbed me and picked me up. He took me to the couch in the room and got a nurse to help.

"Hey, Miss Johnson, I'm gonna need you to listen to me carefully. You hear me?" She calmly spoke. I couldn't take my eyes off Emily and all the doctors.

My sister had just flatlined. She was dead. I couldn't feel my heart. I couldn't feel my own breath.

"Hey Lauren, listen to the nurse." Grayson called. I couldn't take my eyes off the mortifying sight.

"Breathe, in... and out, in... and out." I tried mimicking her breathing but it just came out as shaky-sighs. I sounded like a newborn baby catching it's breath and balling as it was coming into the world.

***

Grayson took me home and stayed with me. Jess still hadn't come back. She didn't know. He left her a text to know we were at my apartment. We were sitting in my dark room, crying our eyes out. We were wrapped in each other's arms.

I couldn't even fathom that I had just lost my sister and I was now all on my own. I can't pay rent and I can't live alone.

"Why did I let Emily go to work yesterday?" I sobbed.

"Baby, listen, it's not like you knew that this was going to happen." Gray cuddled me.

"I know, but I feel like it's my fault."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because I feel like I should've known."

***