Speak Now

II

"Are we seriously going back to this shit again?" James asks as he leans against the doorframe of my bedroom, cereal bowl in hand. He shovels more of his breakfast into his mouth and chews, waiting for me to answer. When I don't, he walks into the room, sets his bowl down on the bedside table and climbs under the covers next to me. "This is what we, in therapy, call regression, Martha."

I scowl at him over the rims of my prescription Ray-Ban glasses. It was far too early in the morning for contact lenses. "I'm jetlagged not depressed."

While that wasn't a lie, it wasn't necessarily the truth, either. Yesterday, while we were all enjoying our coffees and pastries after the dress fitting, the girls were all gossiping about how excited they were about the wedding, while I sat and fake smiled my way through it all. I had to listen as they all discussed wedding favours, flower arrangements and table settings. It was just a matter of time before I switched off. Only half-listening to their talk, I sat upright when I heard Sam's name mentioned, his name capturing my attention pathetically. I already knew that he was going to be the best man but listening to how involved he'd been in the wedding planning really unnerved me and drilled it home that I was eventually going to have to come face to face with him. I could wait another day. Or another lifetime. 

"You can say that all you want," James knowingly smirked, looking over at me. He was lucky that I was jetlagged because if I actually had any energy right now, I'd hit him, square in that pretty face of his. Turning to stare at the wall in front of him, he continues to lecture me. "But what your mouth doesn't say, your face does. And right now, you're face is looking all shades of... what's the word? Sad? You're not going to cry, are you? I can't stand it when you ugly cry. No offence."

I shake my head. "James, when your mascara costs fifty dollars, there's no time for crying. And offence taken, by the way. Look," I say, turning onto my side and tucking my arm under my pillow, staring up at him. "All I want to do is stay in bed and watch Disney movies with Sera and the boys. I've text Charlotte and she's bringing them over."

On cue, the rear door of the house opens and Charlotte's voice fills the silence, followed by the noise of chaos. Sera and Joseph, being the eldest, come rushing into the bedroom and climb up the covers so they can jump up and down on James' stomach, while Owen and Levi need to be helped up onto the bed. I reach down and pick one up at a time, listening to their little argument about which one was my favourite. I didn't have a favourite. Ok, I do. But I won't tell you which one it is. 

From the doorway, I hear Charlotte laugh at the sight of us all snuggling, her smile radiant. She's always been beautiful but since having her kids, she's become even more stunning. Motherhood really suited her. Lord knows she's the best one I've ever had.

She sets down two personalised rucksacks, an aeroplane one with Owen's name on it and Levi's name on a fire engine rucksack, and nods at me. Unlike the eldest two, the youngest are messy and will probably need a change of clothes before they go back to the main house. Plus, they never go anywhere without their bags. Before Charlotte leaves, she turns on the large screen TV and scrolls through the list of downloaded movies, clicking on one that I am more than familiar with. It was an animated film about three bears, one of whom is voiced by none other than James Saylor.