It's Complicated

Three

I slammed my body on my bed, sinking myself on top of my queen bed. I stared at the fan for a few minutes, sighing. What am I even doing? To Jaebeom or even to myself? Why do I have to suffer myself? Didn't know being gay would hurt this much. I think about all of our memories together, the – before I know I was gay – memories. Playing together at the park, riding bicycles, talk.

It's been a while since we last talked. After I realized my feelings towards him, I stop approaching him. Mark told me to not distance myself but I can't help blushing whenever he gets close to me. I can't stop smiling seeing his little eyes brighten whenever we talk about music and cats; his two favourite things. I can't help myself dreaming about being inside his big broad shoulder, embracing me. Those were the reason, I distance myself. Because I don't want to burden him. Let's just keep this problem to myself.

Blinking a few times before I decided that I need to go for a walk. Probably take Coco out with me.

***

I went downstairs and go towards the kitchen. My mom was there.

"hey." She called out for me as I make my way to the fridge. I opened the door and took out a carton of milk and finally, I answered her back. "hey mom."

"how's school?" she asked.

"great? I wasn't bullied today" I said as I took a glass and poured the milk in. I took a sip afterwards.

"umm, so I am going to go take Coco for a walk – "

"she already gone for a walk. Your sis did it already."

"al-right. I'm taking myself for a walk then" I smiled and kissed my mum on her cheeks and make my way out.

The weather was so nice. Its 5 in the evening so I'm glad there is no rain and what not. I put on my sandals and took a deep breath. I need this air. This calming, clear air. I walked around the neighbourhood, looking at everything. The trees, those dogs, this house, everything. Everything was so calming, I had nothing in my mind. It was the best feelings. No Jaebeom, no classmates...

No GOT7.

Just me.

Sometimes, I need a time for myself. Clearing my mind, giving myself some space. I practically abandoned myself for these past few years and being able to went through this problem now, it felt amazing.

I stopped walking when I realized I'm at the park. The park where it is 10 minutes away from my house. I've been walking for this long already? I look around and yes, so many kids. I chuckle. How clumsy am I to actually walked here with realizing it? Gosh, Choi Youngjae.

I decided to visit the park, been a while since I last come here. I took a seat at the bench where I always sit. I looked around, there is nothing much. Just some kids playing at the slides, some kids fight for some toys, parents chit-chatting, Jaebeom.

JAEBEOM?

SHIT WHAT THE HELL? There he is. Aren't he supposed to be at the café? Why is he there on top of his bike, looking for someone? Does he have a girlfriend? Is he waiting for her?

Oh god. Our eye met!

He then smiled. Why? He grabbed his helmet and walked his way towards me. Why? What is happening don't tell me Mark spilled the bean and he is here to kill me?

"hey." He said. I can't even look at him, my hands trembles. Why is he here anyway? Its 30 minutes away from his house.

"figure you'll be here" he said. "is this seat taken?" he asked. I shook my head. He chuckles and took the seat next to me. "so, why aren't you at the café?"

What am I supposed to answer? I can't go because I got brozoned by you? I took a glanced at him and he wasn't even looking at me. He was looking at the park, scanning through everything. What can I answer him?

"mom needs help with some stuff" I lied. I had to. It is bizarre enough that he is here.

"right." He answered short. He sounds disappointed though. "you okay though?" he asked. "I don't know what I did wrong but, it feels like you ignor-"

"no" no. Im Jaebeom what are you saying? No. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. This isn't what I want you to feel. I want you to feel comfortable with me. "I wasn't ignoring you." Why is he saying it like that? Like I was the one who are wrong. I know I am but, why is he blaming himself? "what makes you think that?"

"I can tell. Plus, you are doing it now"

What? What does that means? I am ignoring him now? But I'm talking to him though?

"you didn't even look at me"

I shoot my head up and looked at him. My eyes trembles as I saw him so close to me. I took a step back and cover my face. I know I was blushing. I know my face already gone so red by the sight of his face near mine. "I am looking at you, now" I try to calm myself down and try to cooperate with this situation. This hardly happening situation.

"you seem different."

"why?"

"nah – probably my imagination" he said, with a lower voice. "you, seem distance."

"from what?"

"from me." I know he is glancing at me, staring me down like I did the worst sins ever in my life. Gosh, this is giving me anxiety attack. I swear to god if I can pee myself here, I will. What can I answer him? What? I have nothing across my mind, nothing! I kept on fidgeting, obviously I am ignoring him just to keep my stupid feeling to myself. I don't want to get him involve.

"Youngjae?"

"I didn't mean to put you in this sort of situation" I blurted out. Fuck.

"what situation?"

"I'm gay"

STOP. CHOI YOUNGJAE STOP

"Woah. For real?" he asked. He was looking at me so worriedly as if being gay is wrong. Why is he such homophobic?

"so, you ignoring me because you are gay?" he asked, staring at me. "so – you have feelings for – "

"– Mark"

"What?" WHAT????

Jinyoung is going to kill me. For sure. I can already see the sight of my grave. I can see it. Oh my god I wasn't going for this kind of lie. I have no one names in my head because nobody knows except Mark and Jinyoung. Should I keep going?

"I'm in love with Mark. That's why I don't wanna come to the café. I wasn't ignoring just you, I ignored everyone knowing my feelings towards Mark." That is one heck of a lie. I had to. Shit, Jinyoung I am so sorry.

Jaebeom remain silent for a while now. "were you disgusted? Knowing your bestfriend is gay?"

"not really" he answered. He took a deep breath before giggling. "I thought you hated me"

I love you. I love you so much you can't describe it, Im Jaebeom. I love you so much I can't put you through this. I can't do this to you. I love you so much I lie to protect you.

"Of course not. Never"

"glad to know. So, what's your ride though?"

"well, I walk here"

"what? How? It's like 10 minutes away." He chuckles. "plus, you hate walking this far"

"it just happened" I laugh it off.

"were you on your earphones while walking?" he took a guess and bullseyes. He just knows me so well... this hurts.

"let's just go. I'll take you home"