Save Me

Three

It's the day of Bella's funeral, I'm so scared. I don't want to go, I don't want to see Bella go.

Ughh, what are all these emotions I'm feeling, lately I've had so many mixed feelings on life and I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. My mind is racing so fast.

I walk into the kitchen and put some fruit loops and milk into a bowl, I pull out a spoon from the top drawer and I sit down on one of the old oak wood chairs. I place my bowl on the matching old oak wood table in front of me and pick up my spoon.

Once I have finished up with my breakfast I push in my chair and I put the bowl and spoon into the dishwasher.

Grandpa walks into the kitchen as I am closing the dishwasher.

"Asira you best go and get ready for the funeral now" grandpa tells me. "yep, I'm just about to go choose my outfit now" I say, leaving the kitchen.

Looking through my wardrobe I can't find any clothes that I want to wear, I don't want to wear a dress because it shows the scars on my forearms and I don't want to where a skirt because they just don't suit my style anymore.

After what seems like forever I have finally decided what I am going to wear. I have chosen out some really comfy high-waisted black jeans, a plain black long-sleeved top with a dark wash denim jacket and to finish of my outfit I paired it with some ankle length boots.

I walk out, and grandpa is sitting on the couch, he is looking so formal compared to me.

"Asira you look beautiful" grandpa says.

"really? I look just casual and you look absolutely remarkable" I reply.

"thank you, and yes I mean it really you look gorgeous don't look down on yourself like that" grandpa says. "anyways we have to leave now, are you all ready?"

"yes" I say, just picking up my phone.

I start to walk out to the car with grandpa following behind me, I jump into the passenger seat and I wait for grandpa to get in. whist we are driving to the funeral I am trying to find a good radio station that we can listen to, I keep switching stations and still no good ones, I have finally found a good one but now there's only 5 minutes until we arrive at the funeral reception.

I'm not ready for this. I don't want this to be real. I don't want to see her go. Bella my sister, she will be gone out of my life and none of this is a dream.

Once grandpa parks the car I get out.

I'm terrified of what I will see inside that door. I try to take a step inside, but it feels as if my feet are paralysed. I feel numb, I can't feel anything, nothing at all.

"Asira, are you coming?" grandpa calls out, but it sounds like he whispered into my ear.

I try to reply but I can't there's no sound coming out of my mouth, ughh what is happening to me. why can't I move? Ughh. What is happening to me? so many questions are rushing through my head, I can't handle it.

I can finally take a step, I walk towards grandpa and sit down next to him. we are seated in the front row, close up to the casket.

"grandpa, I don't think I can do this" I mutter into his left ear.

"you can do this Asira, I know you can" he says, "your brave"

The wake starts, and there's already a tear in my eyes. Well actually more than a tear, I was sobbing already, and I couldn't help it. Ughh. Shit. What is wrong with me? I'm a mess, already.

Its nearing the end of the funeral, grandpa goes up to say a short speech. Oh no, I have to go up next. I can't do this I'm not ready, I will never be ready, not now, not ever.

Its time for my speech. I walk up to the front and start to speak. "my sister Bella killed in a car accident..." I start to say, "she was strong, powerful and generous, very generous. Bella was always getting amazing grades in school..." I say with a tear rolling down my cheek but also with a slight grin on my face"

Once my speech is over I take my seat over back next to grandpa, I'm sobbing. I miss Bella so much, that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

The wake is just finishing up and now we have to go and begin the procession. This is going to be the hardest part. I have to let my sister go, forever. I'm never going to see her again, I can't live without Bella, she was not only my sister but my best friend.

But then I remember everyone will die one day, Bella just died early, too early for my liking.

We arrive at the cemetery.

We are all standing around the grave watching two priests put Bella down under the ground, everyone is tearing. Most people just one or two tears but no not me I have like ten million tears running down my face, I am literally sobbing, and I can't help it.

People have started praying, but I'm just staying back because I can't keep myself together.

Its been an hour and people have slowly been starting to leave, I'm still in the same position as I was an hour go, I haven't moved. I haven't even been able to stop myself from sobbing, it's slowed down a little bit, but the sobbing is still really bad, and I can't stop.

"ready to go Asira?" grandpa asks me, as he is rubbing my back.

"yes, I'm ready when you are" I say attempting to rub the tears from my eyes, I can't though it's impossible for me to stop these tears.

Once we get into the car I'm still crying.

Grandpa plays a happy, upbeat kid of song I love it, but I'm not in the mood to dance or sing not even just bop my head or lip sync.

We get home I've finally stopped crying but my face is all red and there is still the tear residue on my face. I go to the bathroom to wash my face, but once I turn on the tap I look up in the mirror and I see how I look. Ugly. It literally looks like I am in a romance movie or some shit like that and I just broke up with my boyfriend.

I open up the drawer to grab some soap but the first thing I see inside the drawer is a razor. I know I shouldn't, but I have to it's all that will make me feel better.

"Asira? You in there?" grandpa says knocking on the bathroom door. I try to say yes, but nothing come out.

I pick up the razor, but as soon as the blade touches my skin grandpa pushes the door open it scares me I drop the razor onto the floor and run. I run out of the house down the end of the street and turn and then run some more.

Authors note:

Hey everyone, I'm so sorry I don't upload consistently I just find it really hard to find time to write. Please tell me if there's any mistakes. Also, once you finish this chapter go and read:
Fighting On- @katjakastle
Aurora- @Als_2004
Tomorrow- Jacquelyn_27
Pain Letters- I-am-Sam04
They are all such talented writers.
Thank-you for reading and once again I am so sorry I don't upload consistently. Anyways I hope you like this chapter, I'll try not leave a long amount of time before I upload.

Charlotte xx