detraction | Sohn Youngjae ✅

Eric: august

I shot up with heavy breathing and looked around. I wasn't in my bed. "You're up." "Hyunjoon..." He walked over then placed a cup of water in my hands. "Drink it all. I'm going to run out real quick then we can started our movie marathon, okay?" I nodded then took a sip of water. Hyunjoon had been doing things like this for a while now or making private phone calls. It made me wonder if he was doing something illegal. Whenever I asked, he'd just brush it off. My phone buzzed and I saw it was a text from Younghoon. I couldn't make up my mind fast enough as Hyunjoon had already come back. I swiped away the notification then put my phone in my pocket.

"You don't find any of this funny?" "Huh? Oh, yeah. It's funny." Hyunjoon paused the movie then looked at me. "What's on your mind. And don't say nothing because I will beat your ass." "Kinky." He glared at me and I shrunk back. "Just thinking about us. Next month we'll be celebrating half a year together." "Very true. 6 months of nothing but loyalty, trust and unconditional love." I sighed internally as I wasn't as loyal as he believed me to be. I felt something touch my hand and I drew my hand back. "Oh...Sorry. I thought it was a bug..." I put my hand over his then gave it a squeeze. "Are you really okay? You woke up startled too..." "Joon, I'm fine. Stop worrying." I knew deep down I wasn't. Guilt and self loathing was eating me alive.

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I was thankful that Younghoon hadn't made any calls, but I found myself missing his touch and his little psychological play. I felt pain in my finger as I realized I had cut it. "Why is it bleeding so much...?" I hurried out of the room and burst into the restroom. I rinsed my finger off then bandaged it. I looked at myself in the mirror then looked away. I felt disgusted with myself. Sneaking behind my boyfriend's and seeing someone else. Having intense make out sessions with another. Who was I? Was any of this something I was doing willingly? Or was it all blackmail? I tugged on my hair and felt tears falling from my eyes.

I was disgusting.

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I entered and saw Juyeon lying down in bed. "Oh, you're here." He sat up and I couldn't help but look him over. Something told me he purposefully wore what he did to try and get something out of me. "Thanks for the coffee. All nighters can do a toll on you." His shirt shifted and revealed more of his shoulder and collarbone. His hair was tousled but added to his overall look. "I'm leaving." "Bye. You're always welcome here." I quickly shut the door behind me as I had started feeling sick. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel nauseous in his presence? Was it something I couldn't remember? I walked away as I thought of plausible reasons.

I noticed Changmin and Kevin being cute on the grass and walked over to them. "Oh, hey..." Changmin had hidden behind Kevin and we both looked at him confused. "Did I interrupt...?" "Nah, have a seat." I lied down next to Kevin then closed my eyes. I felt at ease and safe in their presence, until I didn't. My eyes shot open as I heard Haknyeon calling after me. "Haknyeon..." "I'm back. I missed you so much. You stopped calling after a while. Did something happen?" "I kept forgetting. I'm sorry." He hugged me then gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "How was the trip?" "You're not going to believe this." I sat back down as Haknyeon told us about his trip.

I remained quiet as Haknyeon unpacked his things. "Your energy is low. Are you tired?" "Yeah..." "You can always take a nap here. I have work to do anyway." I decided to take him up on his offer then crawled into his bed. It was as comfortable as I remembered it last. "Want an extra blanket or pillow? A cuddle buddy?" "No..." I didn't want to voice my actual feelings. I was in enough trouble. "Sure? I don't have to start now."

I broke. I needed comfort. "Can we...?" He climbed into bed with me and held me close. "You always come to me for cuddles. Why not Joon?" I didn't know either. He was my boyfriend, yet I did everything with other people. Was Hyunjoon basically a prop in my life? I still loved him, right? I had started crying and Haknyeon gently wiped them away. "Shh...sleep." And I did.