Dan's Random Rants

IV: Random Thoughts

I've never really told this to anyone I know in real life but I just want to put this out there.

At this point in my life I feel like I'm a failure. Siguro para sa iba petty siya kasi nga maayos naman ako at nakakapag-aral at may kinakain din. But for me, things in my mind keeps weighing me down for most of my life.

You see I spent three years in engineering until I figured out it wasn't for me. Hindi naman sa bobo ako pero kapag umabot ka sa punto na hindi mo talaga gusto mamatay ka lang ng miserable. All my batchmates and close friends from high school are getting their diplomas this closing. Most probably sa October magpo-post na rin sila ng year book photos. While me, well I'm here hiding in my room drowning in tears and trying to figure out what went wrong with me.

I never hated engineering. Actually I enjoyed most of my time there. Not that I loved my subjects but because I found real friends, had the best times of my life, had the worst hangovers, travelled to the furthest corner our tiny allowance can afford, and I felt loved. I miss them, honestly.

Namimiss ko yung mga times na nag-uunahan kami maupo sa gilid malapit sa wall fan, yung may engi trigo kami pero may nagbukas ng isang malaking pan at san marino sa likod at nagpafeeding sa buong tropa, yung analytical geom niyo tapos dun ka lang sa likod kasama yung best friend mo at nanonood kayo ng bagong episode ng game of thrones sa cp niya.

Namiss ko yung kung wala kang mapuntahan dadalhin ka nila sa ktv at tatlong oras kayo magrakrakan dun. Kahit wala kayong pera gagawa ng paraan para matuloy ang roadtrip niyo kasi nasurvive niyo ang impyernong integral calculus. I miss all of them. Kahit na minsan naiinis ako kasi kapag may nanghingi ng number ko pinapakalat nila na tomboy raw ako. Hahahaha mga gague.

Kahit na gano'n sila hindi ka nila pababayaan. Bottomless ang kape tuwing exam week, kapag wala kang mapuntahan sa Chinese New Year may eat all you can sa bahay ng tropa mo, kung bigo ka dahil gago ang jowa mo sasamahan ka nila magluksa sa namatay mong puso pero kahit matumba ka walang kahit sino ang gagalaw sayo, kapag na snatch ang cp mo sa Chinatown hindi nila hahabulin ang snatcher kasi wala silang bayag pero next day papahiramin ka ng Note 2 para makachat ka pa rin sa gc at para ma picturan mo yung sagot mo sa problem set #9.

Kung wala yung pito kong minions at ang isa kong bakla baka first year pa lang nagbigti na ako dahil sa depression, pressure, at anxiety. But one by one people had to leave. Every sem may malalagas sa inyo. Every sem may madedelay. Every sem may mabubugbog ng perfectionist parents dahil pinadalhan sila ng mail na may nakalagay in danger of failing.

We had bad times too. I've hurt too many people. I've disappointed them. I've broken several hearts. I've forsaken several frienships. I've failed a lot of subjects. I've drank countless bottles of empi and rh. I've cried buckets.

Minsan kasi kapag nasanay na ang mga tao sa paligid mo na kaya mong gawin ang isang bagay kapag pumalpak ka ng isang beses walang kwenta ka na agad. Bakit ba kasi hindi mo mapasa-pasa ang majors mo? Kaya nga ni ganito? Gagaya ka sa iba na sasabihin normal lang na madelay lalo na mahirap ang kurso mo? Bobo ka kasi. Inuuna mo ang mga walang katuturang bagay. Sinayang mo ang pera.

I don't know kung normal ba yan o ano. Pero sa mga kaibigan ko kung sila magkwento ilang beses na rin nila narinig yan. When I ask them what kept them going, they would say, "Kahit apat na beses ko babalikan ang subject na 'to magsasawa rin sila kaka failure sa 'kin. Gusto ko maging engineer eh!"

I think it's beautiful. Sabi nila kapal mukha na raw kapag natapos mo ang 5-6 year curriculum mo. Then it got me thinking, their taking it great because it's what they've always wanted. It was what they've been dreaming. Pero ako? Hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang gusto ko. Hindi na nga ako nangangarap at nanaginip na maging kung ano pa.

I was afraid to tell my folks that I want to quit. Hindi naman ako slow, hindi naman ako kinukulang sa baon, pagkain, tirahan. Hindi naman ako na probation. Hindi rin ako na kick-out. Pero hindi rin yun ang gusto ko.

My mind was dying. My soul was dying.

I've never been so unsure of anything before. Sabi nila sayang daw. Tatlong taon na. Kahit isang sem ako na delay konting push na lang matatapos din. Sabi nila kaya ko naman pasahin bakit ako susuko eh ako pa nga nagpapakopya sa kanila ng problem sets.

Kung kaya, oo kakayanin ko naman sana.

But it was killing me inside. I could never write. I could never draw. Well what harm could that do me if I could memorize all those random numbers in the ritcher scale right? Bakit nga ba yung walang kwentang bagay ang iisipin ko eh kaya ko naman i-solve ang parabolic equation ko sa midterms. That wasn't me but I was too scared to tell my parents that I'm a quitter.

Kaya naman mas dinagdagan ko ang problema ko. Purposely failing, not attending classes for a month, not going out basta kung ano-anong walang kwentang bagay.

In the end, I had to shift kasi nga naabutan na ako ng k12 at medyo may pagkamataray ang school namin ayaw na nila mag-offer ng back subjects para sa batch namin. It's either quit or find a new school.

I did both. Now, I'm doing a bit better. I had time for myself. As you all know, may oras na rin ako magsulat, mag-edit at magdrawing paminsan-minsan.

I had a price to pay. I had to leave all my friends and go back to my hometown para mag-aral. Ang liit ng problema ko no? Hehe nagdadrama ako kasi pinag-aaral ako ng nanay at tatay ko.

I know that at some point magfi-fade din ang communication at at ang friendship. At alam ko rin na hanggang 'di pa ako nakakatapos may regular na, "Si ganito at si ganyan gagraduate na oh! Yung anak ni ganito, ganyan na kalaki ang kinikita." Mga ganyang linyahan lang.

Tapos heto ako... basang-basa sa ulan.

Charot lang.

I see all the people from that past period in my life and I see how their worlds continue to turn, how their lives go on without me and I'm still struggling to figure out where I'm really heading. Hell, I'm even struggling to find a reason to live every time I open my eyes. Pero ganyan talaga. Saka na lang siguro ako magpaplano ng sarili kong libing kapag nabayaran ko na lahat ng sama ng loob na binigay ko, lahat ng disappointments na binigay ko.

I'm in my home but I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't have anyone. I can't find a drop of life. Pero hindi ko masabi out loud yun. I'm a coward and I'm scared to break my parents' hearts again. So I just suck up all the shit in the world and silently cry myself to sleep atleast once a week. Hehe may schedule ako eh lampake!

I could've given up on everything a long time ago but I didn't. Maybe some will ask me why. Hindi ko rin alam.

I would like to tell everyone that I'm ok but I'm not really ok, sooo yeah. I'd like to think that it will get better soon but it doesn't.

It doesn't get better but my ability to deal with shit does.