Ms. Masochist

XXVIII

Beyoncé sat at her desk and watched the clock. Shemar was her last patient and he was late. It was very unlike him to be late which worries her. She began to grab her phone to call him when he finally walked through her doors. He looked flushed and very worried.

"What's wrong Shemar?" she asked him.

He sat down in his usual chair and palmed his face.

"I'm not feeling well, I'm so confused," he said to her as a look of worry began to come over her face.

"Why are you confused Shemar?" she asked him, trying to stay calm even though she was worried he had done something wrong.

Beyonce always worried about Shemar. He hadn't done anything terribly wrong yet, but with his multiple personality disorder and his violent outbursts he has when he's angry, he can be terrible to deal with. He could go off and kill someone and won't even realize he's the one who did it.

"You remember I told you I had a longtime girlfriend but we had broken up a while ago?"

"Yes I remember, are you guys talking again?"

"Yes, we are actually. We ran into each other at my friend Justin's wedding the other week. I was so happy to see her again, I missed her so much. When she hugged me it felt as if all of my problems had lifted but then I remembered that she left me. Beyonce, she left me when I felt like I needed her the most. I would probably be so much better if she had stayed,"

Beyonce nodded her head, wanting to ponder the situation a while before actually speaking. For once, she didn't know exactly what to tell her patient. He reminded her so much of Shawn sometimes that it was scary. Shawn had insisted that Beyonce changed him when in fact she didn't at all. She knew that from the night he choked her out. She knew that he could've easily killed her that night. No matter how much love she poured into Shawn he didn't get any better.

He only had someone to love and understand him. He didn't begin to change for the better truly until he met his father and they began spending time together. He didn't genuinely feel more balanced until Beyonce forced him to take his medication to the point it is now just a habit for him and he almost never forgets.

"Shemar, I have to tell you something about your situation that you may not want to hear,"

"Go ahead Ms. Knowles, I'm a big boy," he said to her with a chuckle.

"You can't blame her for leaving you. You don't even have a right to be upset. You said it yourself that you were and sometimes still are a lot to deal with. It's not her responsibility to carry your burdens. She isn't the cure to your sickness and she can't fix your problems Shemar. She could love you, pour her all into you until there is nothing left of her and you'd still be the same person. You'd still have those same demons to face. You can only change for yourself Shemar,"

"I get what you're saying but I just wanted her so badly. I really believed she could change me,"

"Shemar, how can she change you if you can't even change yourself. That woman is not God, she can't perform miracles and try to change you!" she said to him in such a stern voice he sat up straighter in his seat and began to feel like a child being lectured by his mother.

"I know what you're saying is right Ms. Knowles but I'm scared. I want to change so badly but I'm scared to. I'm scared of not being able to be the person everyone wants me to be. What if I fail them?"

"Shemar, you will fail them," she said to him bluntly.

"Way to make me feel better," he said to her, his voice laced in sarcasm.