Catching Rainbows

28

She had two whole weeks free which meant I had two whole weeks with her, and I basically started to resent anything and anyone that took me away from her.

You know that addictive stage where their very presence makes you high and when you're away all you can think about is when you'll be together again.

I was in so deep.

But it felt good to love again. Scary and exciting and amazing. Even though I knew what I was going to have to do in order to get her free of her situation, and I was honestly dreading it.

We spent most of the nights together either at her house or in my hobbit room, nights which were magical. On our last Monday before Shithead was due back, she fell asleep in my arm around one in the morning, and I stayed awake another hour because I couldn't bear to miss it. Finally I drifted off and it seemed like two seconds before my phone woke me up with a text alert.

I reached for it and she rolled over in my direction, nestling against me while making a contented sound that was half-sigh, waking up my butterflies too. The sky was just beginning to lighten, putting the time around 5:30, and I was afraid to move and break the spell.

Unfortunately my phone began ringing in earnest and I had to move in order to get it. I had a missed text from Nathaniel, who had a very basic phone for emergencies, and he was calling. "My cousin," I said to the pretty girl blinking sleepily at me. "Hey buddy," I answered the phone.

"Sorry," he said first. "Just--Hailie wants you and she's been up for awhile and has had two meltdowns already and Mom is still sleeping, but she wants you and I give up."

I could hear his sister in the background. "Lulu! I just want you to come home and make my chips in a bowl for me and be here right now! I don't want to wait! I am trying really hard but you know how I am NOT good at waiting!" Her voice was shrill.

"Okay, I'll be there in a min," I said with forced cheerfulness. "Give her one of those rice krispie treat things in the purple wrapper, they're on the third or fourth shelf."

"'Kay," he said, yawning. "Bye."

I put the phone back down and groaned. Chloe ran her hand down my arm, bringing my attention to her. "I'm up, I'm up," she said, because she'd picked me up the night before and would have to drive me home. I still didn't want to park at her house and walking back and forth from the shopping center wasn't the safest thing.

"Sorry," I said, getting up, my head swimming for a minute. I didn't want Nathaniel to have to deal with a meltdown if I could avoid it by getting there sooner rather than later. "Shit."

"S'okay," she said, yawning, which made me yawn in turn. Birds tweeted happily outside and I kind of hated them.

She drove me home on roads that were mostly empty, the radio hushed. Outside of my house she leaned to kiss me, morning breath be damned, and I reluctantly got out and said good bye to her.

Twenty minutes later she knocked on the door and when I opened it she was pulling away, having left two mochas on the porch. I fell a little harder for her. 

By seven thirty, all was chaos. I couldn't wake up my snoring aunt, Hailie was melting down for the umpteenth time, and Nathaniel had a field trip that my aunt was supposed to be driving four of the kids to.

"Motherfucker!" I swore under my breath as I stood by her bed, furious, looking at the empty green bottles of cheap wine lying side by side on the orangey carpet. Wine we didn't have money for, however crappy it was. I took a few deep breaths, trying to stay calm. My eyes felt like they had sand in them. "Shit. Shit!"

I slammed the door behind me as I went out to deal with the wails. "What is it now?" I asked the crying child on the floor, heard the mean tone in my voice, and forced myself to be kinder. "What's wrong?" I knelt by her and gathered her to me.

"They said there's a new episode of Paw Patrol, but it's not until Friday," Nathaniel explained from the safety of the kitchen. "Also Mom let her have a bunch of wheat pizza when she was up in the middle of the night."

Fuck! That explained the meltdowns.

I got her through it and back on track with a gluten free granola bar, finally going into the kitchen myself. Nathaniel was supposed to be at the school in half an hour to leave. Hailie had an appointment with her psychiatrist at ten, which took over two months to get, and I obviously had no one else to take her if her mother was still incapacitated.

"I'm not going to get to go on my field trip, am I," my little cousin said neutrally, poking his spoon around in the little bit of milk left. The milk money now lay around my aunt's bedroom in the form of green bottles. "It's okay, I don't care."

Goddammit. I knew Chloe would be happy to help but she couldn't do either thing; a relative had to be the one to drive for the field trip due to school rules.

I needed another me.

"No," I said to him firmly. "You will go." I braced myself, picked up my phone, and texted my backstabbing cousin.

Cool relief soothed some of the burning I felt at having to ask him for help. "Jared will take you guys, which is much cooler than your mom doing it anyway," I teased him gently, trying to cheer him up.

But he wasn't going for it. "She had too much wine," he said reproachfully. "I saw the bottles. She's an alcoholic," he said almost defiantly, glancing at me to see what I thought about that assessment.

But he was right, and I wasn't going to lie to him. I sat too, with a sigh that turned into a yawn. "She is," I said simply. "Your mom has had a hard life, and addiction is really tough. Once you're addicted to something it's very, very hard to not use it all the time." Especially if you refuse to acknowledge you have a problem or do anything about it.

He shoved his empty cereal bowl away from him. "I don't care," he said again. He needed a haircut. I wished I had more time and energy to spend on him, with him.

"I know it's not fair to you," I said matter-of-factly. "I'm sorry. It sucks."

Hailie screeched in the next room and we both winced. It was followed by a thump and loud crying. Nathaniel and I looked at each other in solidarity. "Make sure you have everything ready, he'll be here soon and you guys'll need to leave."

"I know," he said, getting up as I did. I hugged him and he went to rinse his bowl out.

I'd gotten Hailie calmed down again by the time the hesitant knock sounded on the door. Nathaniel ran to open it, getting excited again about his field trip. I was picking up the markers that had been thrown around and didn't look at my cousin as he stepped into the entryway, though I was hyperaware of him standing there.

The betrayal, especially coming from someone who had been my closest friend other than Monica, was like a tiny dark cyclone in my stomach. It was full of jagged bits, whirling and cutting, and all I wanted to do was shout at him and make him understand how much he'd hurt me. Most of all I just wanted to ask How could you do this to me and get a real answer.

But instead I ignored him and the kids surrounding him as he greeted the kids. I was going to have to talk to him soon enough, much as I hated the fact. I went back into the kitchen, my eyes burning, tired and mad and sad. I drank some of my cold mocha, tried not to feel sorry for myself, and failed. Fatigue dragged me down and all I wanted was to be in my bed.

But someone had to be the responsible adult.