My diary.

5. Passcode: butterfly

Dear Avy,
Passcode: 🦋butterfly
Hi Avy. I am no longer grounded. Instead, am on suicide watch. If not my father following me around, it is our neighbour Mary.

The wounds all over my legs and arms are the cause of it all. Dad came home soon after I ended my last entry. I was just pulling myself to bed eith some trouble. He stormed into my room out of habit.

And then froze at the door. The bandages all over me must have shocked him. And he is a nurse.

Then started the screaming. Accusation after another. For looking for trouble. For intentionally hurting myself. For seeking sympathy. For being ungrateful. And on and on.

I didn't cry though. I never cry in front of him. Or anyone else at that. But I smiled. So wide he looked creeped out. He took a step back. I laughed out loud. Not a good laugh. One of those loud creepy horror movie laughs. Nice and long. And it felt good. Especially when he took two more steps back.

Then I spoke. In a thin whiny voice. So horrible sounding I almost scared myself.

"Oh daddy," I whined out. "Do you like the friend I made you? The one right next to you?" All the while I was looking at the empty spot next to him. As if looking at something. Or someone. Never once dropping my smile.

At this he fled. He turned and ran. From the devil's agent. From me. His only child.

And I laughed. With all the pain I felt. Tears found their way out too somehow.

He once loved me. I once loved him. I still love the father who raised me. Only he is gone. And its all my fault.

I killed him. I destroyed every bit of him. And all for what? To make the national Olympic team. And they killed my mother for it. His human anchor.

Now he is but a shell. Full of anger. And hate. And fear. Of me.

It isn't his fault either. The church is. THE church. It is not really a church. They are twisted. They are not Christians. They are something else together. Something I never want to know. They scare me. A lot. A lot more than they are scared of me.

But they do not know this. Because I won't let them. They stole the little I had left. But not for long.

I'll get back at them. Little by little. For now, I'll smile and creep them out. I'll put up with their unkindness with a huge grin.

Mary is their spy when dad is not here. So guess what I did today. I gave her a show. I made me a nice supper. Set the table like they do in fancy restaurants. Got dressed up. And had supper. With a friend. That wasn't there. But Mary does not know that.

She was way terrified by the time I was done. I downed a bottle of my father's expensive wine. He'll blow up when he finds out. When mama was alive we never had alcohol in our house. We went to a real church too.

Am not drunk. I have been on antidepressants and sleep medication so many times before. I can handle a lttle alcohol. I drank for Mary though. Not for me. I would never.

Time to visit my nightmares now Olive Avy.

Next passcode:

Space

Regards,
Mill.