My diary.

15. Faith or Fear.

Dear diary,

Hi Avy. I know I have been gone for long and I have no explanation or excuse. Actually I do. Just don't be disappointed in me when I tell you.

I was depressed. I know we've talked about this and am better than that. Yet, I have practically been worked into oblivion. Being an apprentice is no joke. I have seen things I'd rather have not.

There was this man. He reminded me so much of my father. His wife left him a year ago and the church pressed him not to find her. Last week he gave in to the desire to see her and went looking. He was sure he was careful and nobody would know.

He was wrong. They found out. His neighbour reported him to Madam Magdalene. Being her apprentice she brought me along when the elders and her went to his house. We found him seated in his living room sad and lonely. His wife wouldn't take him back and he was heartbroken. I thought that the elders were going to let it pass seeing as he was already suffering.

I guess I am naïve.

I spent an hour pretending not to hear what they were saying. Acting like it was right that they were hammering hot nails into a fresh wound. They told him that he was bound to suffer because he didn't listen. That it was his fault for having no faith. They said that if he didn't stop they would have no choice than to punish him. Take his possessions and give them to someone more worthy.

I have never been more scared. The elders have this chilly terrifying aura around them. And they looked so menacing for a moment I questioned my sanity for wanting to defy them. And no, don't get me wrong. Am not conforming. Am just asking questions. It is what a wise person would do or so I think.

So since then I have been wondering. Before I thought people clang on to Doom for it healed them when they were alone. But what if they stayed because they were scared?

I talked to dad to find out more. And yes, I was subtle.

I asked him how he started going there. He told me they reached out him and invited him. They knew just what he needed and what he was going through. His words not mine. I asked if he ever felt scared of the elders since they were the perfect definition of power(I had to sound like I was on his side you know). He said that as long as you follow the rules you have nothing to fear.

I smiled my sweetest smile and asked if the rules had been the reason he had been distant with me before. He said that the elders didn't believe on going soft on anyone. He had had to choose what is right and his evil filled daughter. But now he was glad I had come to my senses. Again, his words not mine.

I should have been hurt. I was a little hurt. But I can't be angry at him. I have seen the elders at work. And they have the authorities under their influence.

A smart person would see this as a losing battle and quit. Who said am smart?

With love,
Mill.