My diary.

11. Relapse

Dearest Olive,

I had the worst wake up call today.

I was running down a track. Far ahead of everyone behind me and making great time. It was just one more lap to the finish line and I was confident I would get there first. I jumped the final hurdle and that's when everything went downhill. I sprained my ankle and fell in the water at the deeper part.

I tried to pull myself up but I kept on slipping. The next person jumped over me, then the next and my attempts became frantic, desperate. I needed to get out but it was only getting more slippery. Before I knew it I was sobbing while clawing at the ground trying to get a hold.

In a split of a second, I was no longer in the small pool of water. I was in a pool of blood. My mother was lying some metres away bleeding profusely. She was holding out her hand towards me trying to reach out. I moved to get towards her but I was stuck. I couldn't move a single bone in my body, I was paralysed.

The more I tried to get to her, the further I sank into the blood. And soon I was in up to my neck and sinking deeper. I could not find my voice to call out or scream. But my body was shaking in soundless sobs with uncontrollable tears falling out of my eyes.

Right before I disappeared under, I saw them. Purity, Janet, the wicked elder's wife, some Doom elders all lined up to watch me drown. They all had the same sinister smile on their faces. The same look of malice in their eyes.

And as the thick red fluid got into my nose, mouth, eyes, ears, I couldn't move. I couldn't even scream or squirm. I was trapped in my own body.

It was in this immense feeling of hopelessness and utter terror that I woke up. I was covered in sweat and even my beddings were soaked. My whole face was covered in tears and my whole body was quaking in fear. It had felt so real.

None of my previous nightmares have ever been that vivid. It scared me to my core and I cannot shake off the feeling that something horrible is going to happen. I have tried everything. Prayer. Meditation. Movies. Nothing can distract me for long enough.

My father seems to have noticed since he has looked concerned and asked a couple of times if am okay. Mary was here earlier to say hi. Just seeing her brought back the memories of the nightmare.

It has never been harder to smile. After all, over the years I've perfected the art of faking them. Yet today I just couldn't. I tried. And I ended up crying instead.

I never cried in front of anyone before. Today I did. And Mary held me all through it. She did not even judge me. She just sat and let me cry. I may not like people from the Doom but I think she's growing on me.

I hope I know what am doing Avy.

Lots of love,
Mill.