After (the parody)

Chapter 4 - Aftermath and Kitchen Knives

Chapter 4 - Aftermath and Plastic Sticks

"Tessa?!" Harry screams.

Silence.

Tiny pieces of white plaster fall from the ceiling like snowflakes, landing in Harry's hair and the floor below him.

"Tessa?!" Harry yells again.

At that moment Tessa opens the bathroom door and walks into the bedroom.

"What?!" Tessa says. "I was on the shitter!"

"What the fuck just happened?! Was that an earthquake?"

"Yeah, it was cool. You should have seen your face, you looked like you had seen Zayn naked!" Tessa says.

"Where did that little Sulu thing go?" Harry asks.

"I think she's in the kitchen."

"Oh okay."

"I wonder where Liam went." Tessa says curiously. "He was there and then as soon as the earthquake began he just disappeared like a phantom."

"I saw him walk out of the apartment." Harry comments.

"Alright, I'll call him."

Tessa dials Liam's number into her giant brick Nokia, slowly bringing it to her ear and listening for the familiar ring of Liam's phone. She walked through the apartment, listening closely.

Suddenly a loud ringing resonated through the open door of the apartment. It was Liam's phone. Following the ringing, Tessa walked down the concrete steps.

There was Liam, lying unconscious at the base of the stairs.

"Liam!" Tessa yells.

"Tessa!" Harry shouts from the top of the stairs.

"I think he's dead!" Tessa yells, her hand on Liam's neck.

"Well, he had a good run." Harry sighs.

"For fucks sake Harry would you stop fucking around and help me move the body!" Tessa screams hysterically.

"Alright, alright." Harry groans, picking up each of Liam's feet. "Sophia is going to be so pissed."

"Maybe we shouldn't tell her, she will only be after the insurance money anyways. After all they're ere just about to get a divorce. We should bury him, it's what Liam would have wanted."

"Whatever you say, I'll go and get some curtains to roll him up in." Harry says.

Tessa began to cry and moan like a whale with a disability.

"What the fuck is that noise?!" Whispers Harry, hauling the curtains down the stairs.

"I'm mourning!" Tessa wails.

"Well could you please do it a bit quieter, I mean, this is illegal." Harry says.

"You're right, I need to let him go. It's already been 10 minutes, I need to move on. For Sulu."

Tessa and Harry rolled Liam up in the beige curtains and both began to drag Liam's body down the remaining three flights of stairs. When they reached the exit, Harry flung Liam's body over his shoulder and walked to his car.

"Put him in the trunk of the car." Tessa says.

"He won't fit!" Harry says, shoving Liam's body into the small space.

"Shit." Tessa exclaims.

"Shit indeed."

"I'll go get a kitchen knife." Tessa offers.

"What the fuck Tessa? We're trying to give him a burial, not be fucking serial killers. We are not dismembering Liam. Plus, I don't want body parts left all over my car. Do you know how expensive it is to get that shit cleaned?"

"Well thanks for the speech obama, but we still need to somehow get Liam in the trunk."

At that moment, there was a loud groan from inside the curtains.

"Liam?!" Tessa screams, rummaging through the curtains to find Liam's face.

"Te-ssa." Liam groans painfully.

"He's not dead?! I thought you checked for a pulse!" Harry yells.

"I did, I checked. Maybe I felt the wrong part." Tessa sighs.

"What the actual fuck is going on?" Liam groans.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Tessa laughs.

And so the three of them, walked back up to the apartment like nothing else had happened.