First Burn • Hamilton

Chapter Fifteen: Walking By Himself

a/n: This book will be ending in seven chapters and I don't wanna let go, Mr. Stark.

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Alexander was walking alone throughout the city, as he did every day now. Eliza barely looked at him, as suppertime was silent throughout the family, all of them silently wishing William would squeak out something to ignore the topic of Philip, or Eliza started to squeal for her toy. Alexander worried for his sons, they were barely home now. He didn't blame them one bit. He wished Angelica left the house too, but he knew she would never be able to without someone with her as she would inevitably get cat-called. She was too mature for the boys her age. Alex was seeing a girl, and no one knew about it.

"Hello John." Alexander said, walking through the cemetery past his son's grave, right up to the willow tree in the back. He claimed it "John Laurens' Invisible Grave" As he needed to get over his death, let alone his son's. Who he seemed to have gotten over in one sense, but not at all in another.

"It's Wednesday, You loved Wednesdays." Alexander said to the large tree that hung overhead. He was alone once more, and sat on the bench in front of the tree. He felt the presence of John there, who was indeed there as a ghost once more. He hadn't been by Hamilton's side for a very long time, and he almost cried his ghostly tears at the sight of him.

"There's something we need to speak of, I know." Alexander stated, the ghost before him nodded. Mouthing the words 'You should have listened.' to him, though Alexander wouldn't see these words, as they were just imaginable air in front of him.

"I should have listened to you, I should have never wrote that pamphlet, I should have never let that damned woman take advantage of my emotions and desires, I should have just kept away but I'm not like you in that aspect Laurens, how did you do it?" Alexander blurted out, staring at the tree, expecting an answer. The ghost had it's mouth shut. 

"It was sin, one definitely  need to repent for." Alexander said, pretending that Laurens raised an eyebrow in shock as he once did so many years before.

"Yes, I go to church now. I'm as surprised as you are but yes, I do go with the children. Every Sunday." Alexander stated, smiling at the thought of Laurens' face if he knew.

"Eliza won't talk to me, but I want to give her time. You never needed time though, you two are different in the way you react to things." Alexander carried on, imagining so much about the tree being John since it was one, his favorite tree and two, had his characteristics. 

"You would have forgiven me, you accepted people for their quirks and the way they would interact, how they were. You make your own rules for them specifically, instead of playing by your own.  I mean its the same thing but its truly not. She just expects something different then you did whenever I screw around. Only now it's more on accident then on purpose." He explained, he realized he'd never get a damn answer out of a tree but he learned not to care about that. It was Laurens, that's what it was to him and it'd never change.

"I thought when we died we'd be buried side by side. Oh how its changed." He said, looking around. The sky hung blue that day, puffy white clouds flying through it at a slow pace, it was a beautiful day, after all. The sun was shining, he didn't really need his waistcoat but he wore it anyway just to feel in at the appropriate attire for a cemetery therapy session with his best friend, old lover, and person he needed most: a tree.

"I don't think you understand how hard it is to look at Eliza since you passed. You both have the same love in your eyes for me, which I feel a great deal of still from you but when you left I couldn't touch her eyes for years. It was too hard. She understood of course but it hurt, you nearly killed me, my dear Laurens." 

"I remember giving you that pet name, we were lying in the flat you held me in your lap while running your hands through my short hair, wishing me to grow it out. I never have cut my hair short since, and I just called you Laurens instead f John. John was for when I needed you most. Well John, I need you because it's hard to call you the name I gave you. Isn't that something?"

"It's like the feeling I had when I saw my son, only vastly different." Alexander said, the ghost listened intently, trying to remember the song he sang to Alexander when there was a severe storm outside, as he got scared. Making a note to teach it to his soldier's chorus to sing. 

"I wish you were here with me, I haven't seen that gorgeous face in twenty years I deserve something darling." Alexander pleaded to the tree, which of course had no response.

 A small family of a mother and a daughter walked through the cemetery gates, looking to Alexander and then back to try and find the gravestone they needed. Alexander looked to the roots of the tree, kissing the root when they weren't looking.

Alexander turned around, gong to his son's grave at the end of the row closest to the tree. Said a simple prayer, as he did every day. Sometimes he would talk to him too, but he couldn't find the words besides apologizing for him. Though it was usually Philip who sat in the tree while his father talked to Laurens, trying to understand what just had happened. Convincing Laurens to go there, and was the force of keeping him there daily.

Alexander roamed out of the cemetery, deciding to visit the house the family he had lived in before just a few weeks before. He stared at the house in awe, as a family lived there now. He smiled at the memories he had there, but they had to move, as there were too many emotions inside its walls. 

He turned to the park, deciding to take a stroll. He heard children giggling and tackling each other in the grass, teenagers trying to helplessly flirt with each other and possibly kiss each other without making it awkward. He remembered that, how John helped him during that fee of his late adolescent years. 

There were two teenagers in particular, one looking so familiar and the other a girl, giggling and blushing on a bench, as he walked passed the boy kissed her cheek, making the girl laugh in hysterics  until she saw him. Alexander turned around, noticing who the boy was.

"Alex?" He asked, the girl beside him blushed in embarrassment, as did Alex, who looked at his father in remorse. 

"Betts, you should go." He said, she sighed nodding.

"I'll see you tomorrow Al." She stated, he took her hand as she stood up, kissing it as a signal for a goodbye. She blushed a darker shade of red, his father looking on suspiciously.

"So this is what you do at the park all day, you kiss her." He said, there was anger in his voice but Alex knew he was really excited as Alex had never taken a liking to a girl besides her in his life before.

"Well I kiss her when I'm not scared to kiss her. We usually talk or joke around." Alex corrected with red cheeks. His father chuckled and sat where Betts sat before.

"She's beautiful." Alexander commented, Al hit his arm.

"She walked up to me first." He replied, Alexander smiled.

"I'm happy for you. Why didn't you say anything?" Alexander questioned, Al shrugged.

"I thought we weren't allowed to talk in the new house." Al said.

"We are, we just don't because of your bother." Alexander said, leaning back into the wood of the bench.

"When will we be able to talk again?" The son asked, leaning into his father's side.

"I wish I knew Al, I really wish I knew."