First Burn • Hamilton

Chapter Twelve: You Lost A War Against Yourself

a/n: Yeah I just quoted a Troye Sivan song but I don't really care. ALSO: I didn't know this existed until now and I literally was making up the 'imagining John' thing but it's apparently canon so here I am writing canon fanfic I'm proud.

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The children were all outside somewhere. James with his now lover Cole Shirley, Angelica playing with her sister and younger brothers in the grass. John playing with them, William by his side as always. Alex was wandering the park alone, he needed to get away. 

Eliza was inside, going to check on Alexander, whom she didn't see since that morning.

"Alexander?" She asked, knocking on the door. She heard the ruffle of papers and small tears. She opened the door, looking at the mess in front of her.

Alexander's waistcoat was on the floor, along with his loafers. His glasses on the ground as well, carefully put into his shoes. Papers on the floor, a box holding letters in front of him with a soaked handkerchief. He looked up to Eliza, crying like he did when he was twelve with his mother. She shut the door behind her, the anger was gone within her, she couldn't stand him like this, she never head. 

He stood up, going over to her, She opened her arms and took him into a hug, letting him cry. She had been crying to him, whether he was there or not for years, she had to let him cry to her now. Role reversal is necessary in a relationship, it's just how life works. She held him, letting him cry for a very lengthy amount of time. She just kept silent, putting herself through the torchere of hearing him cry. It wasn't a symphony like everything else he was. It was a broken clef.

"What are the letters for?" She asked, Alexander shook his head.

"What's wrong Alexander?" She asked, He looked up, anger and frustration in his eyes.

"What do you think is wrong!" He yelled, she hushed him, he clutched onto her. The child within in him coming out in all the wrong ways. He had kept him in, never to be seen outside again. Something died with Laurens, but the other part of that something was stuck inside of Hamilton. It always had, and always will.

"My son, my mother, my cousin, my L-Laurens. Why do I lose everything?!" He yelled. Eliza held onto him, his foot on the end of her dress, not even paying attention. She didn't fall, she stayed up. She had to.

"I even lost you." He said softer, She looked down at him.

"You didn't lose me." She corrected, he looked up at her.

"Oh really? What do you think all of this is then?! Didn't lose you?! Your children don't even want to be home because of your temper! One moment you love me, another you hate me. What do you expect me to think? Where are you Eliza?!" He asked. Eliza shut up, borrowing her brow and flaring her nostrils.

"You're worried about that? What about your son! You just lost your eldest son, your pride in joy. Not to mention that was all your fault! Don't look at me for the reason why I'm reacting to it the way I did! This is all on you Alexander!" She yelled, not letting go of him, the two stood in the room, Alexander holding on for life to Eliza like he did to his mother when he was sick. Holding onto her like he did to his cousin's body when he found him dead. Holding onto her like he held onto Laurens the last time he saw him. 

"I'm sorry I end up killing every goddamn person I love? What do you think makes me feel when I screw up? That I don't care?! I may be narcissistic but I'm not a sociopath!" He yelled, Eliza looked at him, now, holding his gaze in her anger of realization.

"You killed him. You killed our son." She stated.

"He asked what to do in a duel, and I told him what to do." He replied, she threw him to the ground, he scrambled up.