Lost Souls - Discontinued

.4.

Tony was trying, alright?

He tried to be there for Pepper when he got back.
He tried to hug her like always when she was so happy he was home.
He tried to do his part, head to Wakanda, meet up with the others.
He even tried to get along with Steve after they both apologized.

But he couldn't. Everything was so hollow. No matter what Tony did, no matter how much they talked about it and tried to track Thanos, nothing was leading anywhere. It had been months.

Tony had no thoughts left in his head but one; It should've been me.

If Tony had just died Thanos wouldn't have gotten the time stone and this never would've happened. Or if Tony had dissolved instead of Peter, that young brain with those crazy solutions would've thought of something just out-of-the-box enough to work. That's what Peter did; he created a new angle. Tony couldn't do that, how was Tony supposed to do that?

Tony was tired.

Let me tell you, Tony had been through hell - several times. But nothing, none of those torturous circumstances could've possibly prepared him for that first phone call to May.

It was one of the first things he did after getting back to Earth with Nebula in that beat-up pod. Call Pepper. Call Steve.

Call May.

"What happened to everyone?" Was the first thing she asked. Not 'where was Peter' because she assumed he would protect him. Assumed he could protect him. She figured her nephew was the safest place he could be, and she wanted to know what was going on aside from that.

"Thanos, this big unfriendly dude, harnessed the power of six magic stones to wipe out half the universe." Tony answered somberly. May raised an eyebrow. "Wow, did Peter actually believe that?" She tried to look around him because, surely, her bright-eyed nephew/surrogate son was right behind him. Naturally, that energy-filled thought bubble couldn't be popped so easily. Obviously, Tony would protect that gem of a pure-hearted human being.

"Peter's not here."

Her face fell. Realization was at the edge of the cliff. Once Tony gave it the final push there would be no going back.

"What do you mean? Where is he? Is there something you need to say?" Because Peter must be around somewhere but maybe Tony needed to talk to her privately. Peter had to be somewhere. "Can I see him?" Tony couldn't meet her eyes as he continued.

"No... May. I'm sorry I'm so, so sorry. He... I... there was nothing I could do."

"No."

"Thanos snapped his fingers and half the universe disappeared at random selection and he-"

"No."

"-he was one of them. He... dissolved in my arms. I'm so sorry. If it could've been me I would've traded my life for his in a heart beat but I-"

"No!" She screamed, tears streaming down her face. The camera shook as she pounded her computer desk. A shuddering breath, a set out chin. "No, if this is some twisted joke, Stark,"

"May. He's gone."

She broke. Yelled and thrashed. Called him every insult in the book, cursed 17 generations of his ancestors, beat him verbally to a point where physically he's pretty sure he broke a rib. Tony didn't hang up, even when she threw a chair at the computer and cursed at him in three languages.

Because he deserved it.

It should've been me.

Reuniting with Steve was a bit easier. Both men were so drained there was no more room for bitterness and anger. There were too many shared experiences, too much comfort gained from one another to push it away.

"Tony." Steve said in a greeting, as he walked into the office Shuri had just left. Tony knew of Shuri - T'Challa rambled about her as soon as he saw Tony's lab - but had never met her. They had an interesting conversation about technology, Tony had no problem admitting she was smarter than him. The exchange had been stimulating, but it fell flat. Both were just trying to distract themselves from the void. Both were broken and lost.

Tony didn't bother to stand when Steve came in. It wasn't a matter of respect, he was just so tired. Steve understood, sitting in the open chair to Tony's left. Tony stared at the chair on his right. If there had been a meeting between the Avengers to celebrate he knew who would've sat there.

"What are we going to do?" Steve's voice was off-key, as if he had just been crying. Tony knew the feeling. "I don't know."

Steve looked at him in horror. Never had Tony Stark been so thoroughly defeated. This man, who could build his way out of every situation with that boundless brain, was reduced to a shadow of his former self. Steve had to wonder what he lost.

He didn't ask.

Pepper had flown to Wakanda right after the call from Tony. The call had been brief. She'd done most of the talking. She hugged him when she reached the office he and Steve were in.

"I'm so glad you're alive!" She said with teary eyes. However, she immediately knew something was wrong. There was no optimistic teenager followed Tony around like a lost puppy, with expressive eyes to match.

"Where's Peter?" She asked softly. Steve didn't know who Peter was, but at his name Tony's shoulders hunched as a sob shook him. "He's gone." He muttered. Pepper's eyes filled with tears and she wrapped Tony in a tighter hug. She didn't know Peter well, but she'd picked him up from school a few times and made him pancakes for breakfast.

He was sweet, and he had no place in a war, and now he was gone. He could've changed the world. Pepper knew about Tony's plans to give him Stark Industries when he was old enough. She knew how much he meant to Tony.

And so she held him as he cried on her suit jacket. She sent Steve a warning look when he was about to ask The Question with a confused face. She tried to get him to eat, but he wouldn't.

Tony didn't want to do anything more than sit and stare at a wall that first day.
The second day he started planning.
The third he told Natasha why Peter hadn't come to say hi to her as soon as they got back.

Tony had never seen Nat cry before, but she shed a single tear for Peter.

The fourth he plotted with Bruce to use satelittes to track Thanos' energy signal - it had to be massive.
On the fifth day the plan failed.
On the sixth they recruited Shuri.
On the seventh Tony stopped counting.

Plan after plan lead to dead end after dead end. It was as if Thanos vanished in his own snap.

All the time, Tony thought of one thing. It should've been me.

Great goodness I am warning you now if this made you cry DO NOT PROCEED because it gets SO MUCH WORSE FOR EVERYONE

I'M SORRY IN ADVANCE

~Meow

PS shoutout to everyone who read my last chapter so early! I was chatting with you guys (cough xImaginationCat cough) while writing this which was a fun way to give my brain and heart a break! Thanks for reading!