heartache / Lara-Fina

to my first one

monday - 03/04/2019  9:23pm

I dedicate this letter to the boy who had the honour of being my first one. My first everything. The boy for whom this was so meaningless.

You accompanied me to my friend's birthday party. When I sat outside with my other friend in the cold under a blanket, you came and sat next to us. You took care of my and her problems and nestled yourself deeper into my heart.

You knew that you were deeply anchored in my throbbing muscle. You were aware of your unique place while I didn't have nearly the same place in you. Your heart is a closed, frozen space which I thought I could thaw and break.

That evening I felt this connection and this love so strong as never before. The way we were wrestling like little children. The way we stood opposite each other in the living room, leaned in and suddenly a balloon burst behind us because of my best friend. The way we were perfect together for one evening. It felt like we were okay for the first time. 

At that time, you were my first love and my first kiss. You had already robbed me of all my senses and I knew we could do more with our love. I had let you get closer and closer to me because I thought I could trust you. I could not see how blinded I was by this love.

The more you wanted from me that night, the less I could resist you. I trusted you, I thought you were the one who was worth EVERYTHING. I let you in, even closer than I had already done. You were the only one to whom I had shown my true colours and you will remain the reason why they stay grey for all others forever.

By taking away my everything and now considering it a trophy, you have also taken the last spark of hope with you. After all I've given you, all the things I've never given anyone before in this way, and can never do again, you've left me. Like a light feather you let me fall and drift away by the wind. Now I slowly fall down and it seems like it will take forever. 

With your charm and the way you treated me, you made me let you get closer to me. With your open ear and your advice, you made me trust you. With your hands that wiped away my tears at night and stroked my hair, you made me show you my true colors. With your heart you made me love you. Your ice-cold heart, has made me become so blind with love. 

After you got everything you wanted from me from the very beginning, you opened the door and left me. You left me alone in this small dark room that we once shared because we promised to be there for each other and tell each other everything. 

You not only broke your promise, you broke my heart and broke me. You have broken the person with whom you spent a small fraction of your life into thousands of small pieces. 

The "L<3" you deleted from your Instagram account at 10:16am spoke volumes. We had a conversation on Snapchat that morning, you talked about how it didn't work between us anymore and we had to talk. 

"It's me, not you"

The standard lie. The only words that kind of apologized for you breaking me right now. Did you really think with that you would make my heart not break into thousands of pieces?  I will never forget this morning when I sat on my balcony crying. I will never forget how trembling I typed on my phone and begged you to clarify the problems with me so that we might work out. I will never forget this one morning when my vision of tears was so blurred and my eyes were swollen red like never before. I will never forget this feeling of heartache. 

"I simply don't want to be in a relationship"

The message that made my phone light up at 6:49pm that evening was the end of us. How could you just decide after so many weeks that you didn't want that? I've been caring about you so much, I've been trying to do the best thing just for you, I've tried to make us see each other regularly and often enough. I have given everything to keep this "us" alive. But everything was not enough for you.

All that was enough for you was the Lara who wouldn't let you in. That Lara who hadn't given you all her first times until two weeks ago. All you wanted was my innocence, my first everything, all the first things I couldn't give to anyone but you. 

And that breaks my heart all the more. To know that all this was of importance to you. To know that you never loved me, that you planned everything that way and faked it all for me. To know that I gave it all to someone who only sees it as a kind of trophy to push his giant ego. 

Karma will hopefully get you, my love.