heartache / Lara-Fina

my favorite ex-almost

monday - 04/29/2019 at 12:22 am

After my breakup with my toxic ex-boyfriend, you came along after a while. A ray of sunshine and a spark of hope that there could still be something good in my life. The frozen feelings that felt like crazy butterflies thawed and so did my cold heart. Because actually I didn't want to let anyone approach me anymore. I wanted to entrench myself in my walls, which I built so high that I would not let anyone come near so easily anymore but this completely different kind you had let me change this without wanting it. 

And so I began to trust you, hesitantly and carefully but I did. I could talk to you about so many things and it always seemed like you understood. As if you would feel exactly those emotions that I also felt at that time of happening and telling. We understood each other so well in those days, remember?

My phone accompanied me through the day and flashed repeatedly, because messages came from you that made me smile immediately. Even my best friends told me that I was on my phone a lot more often and just grinned at it. They had never experienced me like this before and they were so happy that I was fine and found someone who was as good to me as you were. 

The feeling of nervousness when you sat in front of me for the first time and looked at me with your eyes that just sparkled brightly. The moments when you made me laugh so much that the corners of my mouth hurt. For the first time I was not ashamed to have to laugh so much because I felt good. Better than ever before to be more precise. How your hand intertwined with mine over the table and your thumb stroked over my skin in such a way that I once had to exhale deeply to control my breath because I was so nervous and the butterflies seemed to suffocate me.

Because that night, my beloved, you completely trapped me in your net I got caught in. I started to fall  really hard for you. 

And when you stood in front of me again a few days later, it started all over again. Your closeness gave me goose bumps all over my body, your touches on my hand caused a tingling sensation on the spot and the exciting feeling in my stomach, which symbolized how much I liked you, didn't let me rest the whole evening.

We stood on a dark path staring up at the starry sky and at that moment I couldn't wish for anything better than to have you standing right beside me. And when I noticed that I looked at the starry sky with the same excitement and love as I always looked at you, I knew it was real this time. I had blamed the feelings on the imagination, but then I knew it was more than that. And I felt that the same feeling came from you. At least at that time.

I don't think you could imagine how much I wanted to kiss you that night. Never before have I had such a strong need for such an innocent kiss and for the lips of a person and to feel them on mine as I had it with you that night. And it happened, but only after I had felt this strong feeling for a while. 

Kissing the person for the first time, who you wanted to kiss so much the whole time, is magical. How the wild feelings are released at the first touch of your lips and make you directly addicted to the one who gave you all his attention with just one kiss. I could have done this all evening long. All your words, all your touches and all your magic kisses that made me wild set free the most incredible feelings I could feel in my body. I felt loved and okay for the first time after a while. I felt okay and whole. 

I guess you'll never know and learn how I looked at you. Because I know that you don't have the best view of yourself since you know and see all your mistakes and flaws. I noticed so many things about you that you probably hate about yourself, but if only you knew how I see them. Even if you hate all those little things about yourself, you have to know that there are enough great things that make you awesome.

About the way I write about you although my heart has been torn back into every thousand pieces because of you that you have patched together before with your affection for me, you can see how I actually like or even kinda love you. I always said that I only liked you, but it developed much faster than I thought to a stronger feeling. I could never have wished for anything better in my life than meeting someone like you who could show me what it felt like to be really liked and worshipped after the toxic relationship I've had with my ex.

Knowing it's all over now is a painful feeling. But that doesn't stop me from smiling because of our beautiful memories when I think about them. It doesn't stop me from smiling and thinking of you walking past all the places we were together. It doesn't stop me from sinking into my thoughts as I read the sweet messages we sent each other at that lovely time. 

I don't know what made you change your mind. I don't know if it was the fear to fix yourself on someone who could theoretically destroy you at any moment because you are emotionally attached to them. I don't know if you found someone else or have someone in your eyes who is better than me. There are so many possibilities that could have made you do that. 

I'll probably never be able to blame you in my life for changing your mind. You've decided that I'm not exactly what you need. I can't blame you for tearing my heart apart by losing your feelings for me and painfully slowly distancing yourself from me. I could never blame you for finding and choosing someone else who isn't me. I will probably never be angry with you that you made me roll up in my bed crying at three in the morning because I missed the feeling of your warm closeness, your lips or your affection for me. Because in the end, you made me experience and feel so many beautiful things.

And even while I'm sitting in front of my laptop crying and hitting all the letters on my keyboard, I have this pain in my chest and longing for what we once had before it was over. What we had already perished before we actually had it. And now I'm here alone, with all my feelings that I developed and seem not to want to leave, because they were the most real and best I ever had and could feel. You were the best I almost had.

Even if I am still crazy in love (or as we called it "like like") with you for a while, I hope that one day you will find someone you love as much as they love you. Just like you told me one day that you wanted something like that so much. Because apparently I couldn't be the one who could make that happen to you. So I let you go and let you find someone new. Someone you hopefully won't let go, someone you really want and love. 

- an open letter to my favorite ex-almost -