heartache / Lara-Fina

my painful little romance

wednesday - 03/10/18 at 3:07am

As soon as the autumn breeze had begun to roam the earth again, some things froze to death. It wasn't particularly cold and yet it froze a romance in my environment.

My best friend, whom I had loved so much for a year, and her boyfriend, whom she had dated for a month, broke up. With both I got along better than with anybody before and sometimes it felt as if the connection between me and her was slowly breaking. Another thing that caused the breeze of autumn to freeze. The friendship she had promised me all my life.

The connection broke down more and more in itself and out of nowhere you appear again more offensively in my life. Surprisingly, we both understood each other all the better after you both went separate ways and even then I couldn't judge how this was meant. Was it really meant to happen that way?

The known danger zone came closer and closer to me and this meant that I should retreat better. Stop talking with you so often and intensively. Better to cancel the agreed meeting and push you away. But I couldn't resist the idea of having someone for the first time in my life who enjoyed seeing me and talking to me.

The warm climate was dampened by the autumn and cold winds were blowing across the land. A cool Saturday night after an ice hockey game was the one night I realized there was something. Something that fascinated me about you.

Spontaneously you drove to the ice rink and met with me and my mate after the game. Our short moments standing alone outside in the cold felt so different, strange and magical. But was it the same for you?

How affectionate we were. How, as outsiders, you could only see how we burned for each other. How my eyes did not deviate from your own image. But whether these were the same feelings. I sought love in you, did you seek only consolation? Consolation from the pain that someone inflicted on you who did not deserve you?

The days pass, our nights shorter the more we text together. We did not depart from each other. Had I only known what was going on in you.

Your closeness and warmth in these four walls which carry so many secrets that I will never know. Oh, if only those walls could tell me what your intentions are. You are so overt and yet so secretive. How could I let an insecurity like you get to me? Was I your little substitute doll for the one you loved so much? Am I the one who maybe becomes the one who makes you forget the one you loved? 

And watch you as I slowly let you walk in more and more. My gates of the walls opened for you, because I knew you couldn't cause more destruction than was already there. But all I would have known was that one day I would have to cross the tracks of you and your ruins that were blocking my way. 

And I'm still hoping you really see something in me. More than just what she didn't give you. I hope you see it.