Scars

Cornered

I sit motionlessly on the floor of my room, my back against my now closed door, staring at the wall in front.

(I think I may have gone insane.)

I suddenly laugh in disbelief at the events that just unfolded.

(I just kicked a girl out of my room.)

My ironic laughter soon turns into a long sigh of sadness.

(Correction. I just kicked a girl I was making out with out of my room. I am insane.)

I let my head head fall down as I exhale deeply.

(Very smooth Enzo... very smooth..)

I take a few deep breaths trying to straighten out my emotions, my heart still racing from the mere thought of her lips.

(Beyond that, I started making out with a girl.. first mistake)

I lean back my head against the door and look at the ceiling. I feel terrible for not being able to control myself better. After all, I have been trained to keep my emotions in check. Nine whole years of training and then it just takes one girl to get the best of me.

(I thought I had promised myself not to get vulnerable again. I know that Seven is not Cait but...)

Cait. A name I haven't thought of in many years now. A girl who involuntarily taught me that I should not get attached to people. Not anyone in PHASe. Not anyone at risk of becoming their experiment or target.

I close my eyes and listen to the void of sound in my room for a few seconds. I briefly try to remember what she looked like, but only pain seems to come to me.

(Damn Angmar... why couldn't you kill me instead?)

I snort at my own thoughts and bring my hand up to the back of my head, slowly scratching my scalp. The action instantly reminds me of Seven, doing the same just a few minutes ago.

I shouldn't have kissed her. It obviously confused her. As if I needed to add more confusing things in her life right now. Not only is she confused, I took advantage of it for a second. She was obviously still upset with everything happening lately was suffering from lack of sleep.

I can't get the words she said out of my head now; 'I don't mind'. Why those words? Funny how three little words could potentially have so much different meanings behind them. Maybe she just took this opportunity as a way to change her mind. She took it as a distraction from what was going on in her life.

(Either way.. I shouldn't have taken advantage of her in a weakened state.)

The only thoughts going through my head were of wanting her, wanting to be with her in that moment. Had it not been for her tears to pull me out of my trance, I would have probably done irreparable damage to our relationship. Deep down, I think her subconscious was telling her something was wrong.

(Do we even have a relationship now? Even as teammates? Do I want this to be a relationship?)

I open my eyes again, staring blankly at the wall and let my hand fall to my side.

(Mistake number two, having thoughts like these)

A wraith. A murderer. A failure. Those are all words used to classify me. The word relationship outside of anything professional should not even be a thought. I should simply do my job and make sure that none of my teammates get into a bad situation again. That's what I am good at. Having feelings has never helped me in any way and likely never will.

(Another thing I just failed at...)

Yet those feelings I have are hard to keep in check and bring me back to thinking about her. I start wondering how she is handling what just happened. The more I try to let her be, the more I end up thinking about her.