Living with Endometriosis

We will be ok

I had a long conversation with my fiancé at that time (my husband now) about the disease, the fact that i might never have kids, and the torment of living with a person with endo.

I wanted him to be aware of what he was getting himself into. I gave him a chance to walk away, I would understand (it would crush me, but i would get it). it is not easy living with me, i am always in pain.

I am crying as I write this part, I always get emotional when I think about my husband, he is the most amazing person in my life and my life makes sense because of him (and now our daughter too). I think i can do what i do because of him. I know he will never get it (and he gets sad when i say that) but he will never understand what i go through. But  it is ok, i know he will always be there to hold my hand, hug me and say "we will be ok".

I get so sad when i look at him and I think he could have better, he deserves better. But i smile so he can smile too, i get up so he can get up, i fight so he can fight.  He says i am really strong and he doesn't know how i can handle it, but he has no idea i can do it because him. He is my strength, he is my support, my light, my joy, my painkiller.

I went through a laparoscopy 3 years ago and a laparotomy 9 months ago. During that time having the family and friends around counts a lot, but it was my husband that pushed me through it. I can't stand the pain in his eyes, the helplessness. I can't stand him in pain.

So that is my goal, i might not be able to do it for me, then i will do it for the people i love. For my siblings, but mostly my husband and daughter. I wake up everyday thinking about them, i no matter the pain i get up and fight maybe not for me but for them. They are the most important thing in my life, my priority and seeing them in pain is harder than enduring the pain caused by my disease.

It suck most of the times, but them I have those moments of happiness with them and for a moment, even if brief, I forget about the pain.

I am glad I don't have to explain to him, he looks at me and he knows. But he also knows I try hard, really hard. I keep pushing (i am stubborn you know?), and pushing some more. As long as they are by my side i know we will be ok.