My Playing [SaiOuMota]

Chapter One

Me, a timid, soft spoken boy who can barely say no to anyone. A boy so shy that I can't get through a sentence without stuttering, so timid that I would let anything happen to me and only cry, wouldn't try to stop it or run, just cry; I can't even speak up about my basic necessities, if one of my boyfriends decides they couldn't be bothered to feed me, I'll just suffer and starve quietly. I'm a nervous pushover, the type of person who will do anything with little prompting. I'm the one that could be treated like dirt and won't do anything to stop it.

I don't want to be like this anymore, can't stand being thrown around so carelessly, but I know nothing I do will ever change how pathetic I am. I'm stuck like this forever, Ouma Kokichi will always be like this, always.

I want them to change too.

Saihara-Kun and Momota-Kun are cruel, but I know they love me, I think I love them too, it's been a long time, I still don't know if I do or not, I had to pretend for so long that I'm not sure my emotions for them are even real. Well either way, I want them to be better.

Momota-Kun is destructive, like a tank maybe. He's like a middle school bully that actually wants you dead, he threatens to kill me and even Saihara-Kun all of the time, and I don't think he even realizes that he's so mean. Sometimes when I'm really good -even if I think it actually depends on his mood, not mine- Momota-Kun is nice to me, though nice is the wrong word. His words are still hurtful and aggressive, but there are little things, hand holding, cuddling, watching television -Danganronpa, unfortunately- and it's nice and calm and peaceful, but Momota-Kun switches between affection and anger so smoothly it's like he thinks they mean the same thing almost. He would get mad if he ever heard me say any of this.

Ah, where was I? Right, Saihara-Kun's personality.

Saihara-Kun is hard to describe. He's sweet, but he's the candy that stops being sweet quickly and then just tastes like nothing, a bad nothing.
It's really hard to tell how he's feeling, especially when he only really shows four of his emotions. Anger, though it's more sadistic and bloodthirsty -quite literally; Sadness, which is usually expressed through pouting and whining; Happiness, which is also how he pretends to feel when he's anything but these things; and the last isn't much of an emotion, but I refer to it as despair. When I say despair, however, I am not referring to him feeling hopeless, when I call this final emotion such a word, I'm talking about how I feel when he acts like this.
Despair, the very thing that Saihara-Kun lives off of, is the awful times when he's recently finished either beaten another person half to death or seen one of Danganronpa's executions and he needs more. It's like a drug addict, he'll do anything to see more despair from a living person, and that person just happens to be me. I'm sure I'll have to be the victim of his despair eventually, so at the moment, I'll not mention what happens.

Danganronpa, is the other thing I wanted to include here, even if it is just a silly book that no one else will ever read. The disgusting killing games that both of them love. There were three 'official seasons', and all three had innocent, real people die. It all started with Enoshima-San, a girl who loved despair even more than Saihara-Kun does, a girl that was so crazy and deranged, she locked sixteen people in a school and told them to kill each other if they wanted to leave, eventually, they did, and Enoshima-San showed the whole world just how easy it was to make teenagers into murderers. Some loved it, most hated it, I hate it, neither Momota-Kun nor Saihara-Kun do.
Enoshima-San made it happen twice more and then some sick, awful person turned it into an actual show where people could sign up to have there memories erased and be forced to kill others in the same situation.

~ ~ ~

Ouma Kokichi set the pencil in his hands down, letting out a quiet noise of panic when the front door of his shared house with Momota Kaito and Saihara Shuuichi was opened, slammed hard against the wall. It was the former who had done it, easily distinguished from how Saihara could open it without the creaky door even making a noise.

Ouma shoved his writing book under the bed without thinking about it, quickly dropping the pencil he held back where it belonged in the desk drawer.

Then, he waited. Momota was mad by the sound of things, running away would make it worse, and trying to go towards the boy was a death sentence on it's own. Sitting still, waiting for the inevitable harm that would be inflicted, that was the best course of action.

Momota stormed into the bedroom with an expression of pure rage and Ouma almost wondered who was dead before correcting his thoughts, Momota wouldn't be angry still if he killed someone.

"Ouma." The name was said in a ridiculously cold tone, full of malice that wasn't even directed at him. Momota would have screamed at him if he was mad at Ouma specifically.

He wrung his hands, "Y-Yes, Momota-K-Kun..?" He looked down at the ground, nervous, while carefully choosing the words so he didn't make Momota anymore upset.

A pause, then a step, then the awful feeling of being punched in the face, hard. Momota's fist collided with skin directly under his eye, it stung but even with the pain, Ouma could feel the trembling that Momota was doing, not in fear, in anger. He was holding back.

"..d-don't.." Ouma said softly, carefully bringing his smaller hands up to hold onto Momota's that had hit him, "D-don't stop yourself, pl-please.. M-Make it feel b-better, Momota-Kun." He needed to change too. Ouma was aware he shouldn't be encouraging this, but it made the next punishment, the ones meant for him because he had messed up, easier to deal with. Momota was gentler when he wasn't still pissed off at other people.

It hurts, Ouma winces at the next punch, a lot harder, to his shoulder, Saihara-Kun had a habit of ramming his shoulder into surfaces that matched it height-wise, it hurts, he thinks again, but I did this to myself.

He really needs to find a better way for Momota to calm down, and another show for them to be addicted to that's preferably not as bloody, and probably a lot of other things honestly. But —being punched in the stomach hurts a lot, he already knew that— Ouma couldn't do that. He couldn't try and change them. He just.. couldn't.

Another of Momota's violences, straight in the forehead, and he yelps pitifully, reeling back. His head collides with the desk behind him, it hurts.

I'm sorry, Momota-Kun. He clutches the back of his head, eyes shut tightly to keep the tears back. I'm so sorry.

I want to help you so much. Momota doesn't hit him again, instead taking Ouma into his arms, not gentle, but it isn't harming him. The taller boy set Ouma down on their bed. But I'm too scared to even try. "Rest," he says simply, turning on his heel and exiting the room without another thought.

It's not possible for me to change, ever, I know that. I'm so, so terrified that I'll ruin everything. But I.. I have to... If I even want to try and help you and Saihara-Kun... Then my only choice is to find someway to get better first. Better... For you, both of you.

Can I really do this..?

Ouma sobs, he isn't sure if it's from the pain or from his thoughts, but he cries hard and loud, continues crying until his throat feels hoarse and his eyes refuse to shed anymore tears, then he curls up on the soft bed, following Momota's order and letting himself sleep.