Time To Live

Chapter 09: Tricky

Session six. It was entirely cliché that Dr. Walters had a sofa for his clients to sit on and confess their sins and troubles, but that was exactly where Chris was seated right now, rambling on about his self-created problems. "I was not a patient and loving boyfriend, and I was not the most supportive expectant dad either. I basically told Jenna that if she gave birth to a child that was not biologically mine, then I would up and boot her and the baby out of my home. Which, in truth, was our home at that point. Without Jenna, it's just a place I live and not a home at all."

Dr. Walters steepled his large hands beneath his chin and nodded slowly. "Have you told Jenna this?"

"No," Chris shook his head slowly. "I have not spoken to Jenna since that day that she came to see me and tell me about Christian."

The doctor nodded slowly again, lips pursed. "Why have you not tried to initiate contact with her?"

He considered this for what felt like hours, but likely amounted to a matter of minutes. He sighed loudly and then tried to avoid the other man's gaze by staring at his black and white sneakers. "I am afraid."

"Of?"

Chris glanced up then, his face a mask of pain and fear. "What if she doesn't want me in her life anymore? What if she won't forgive me? What if she's moved on with someone else? Just the thought of finding her living with another man, happy and in love with him, it absolutely crushes my heart."

"But she witnessed you with another woman, no?" the psychiatrist prodded gently. 

Chris bowed his head in deep regret. "Yes."

"And you broke up with this young woman," the doctor pointed out matter-of-factly.

"Yes."

"Things change," he stated softly. "Things change, Christopher; people change, situations change. The only way you will ever know what Jenna wants and what is happening in her life right now is if you initiate contact with her and ask. Anything your mind may conjure up right now is just that – a conjuring. You can drive yourself mad that way."

"But then you stay in business," Chris winked and laughed sourly.

Dr. Walters held his hands out slowly and shrugged. "Yes, but that does not mean that I wish for your personal pain, Christopher. There will always be people in need of a kind ear and a shoulder to lean upon. It is in my vested interest to see you overcome your foibles in love and move on with your life."

"It was a bad joke," Chris frowned and began to fidget his fingers nervously in his lap.

"You do not like to talk about the topics closest to your heart," the doctor observed. Pulling no punches, he continued. "When you write a song that is personal, it's under the veil, the façade if you will, of Chris Motionless. He is a character that is not exactly you, and never exactly will be you; so he is safe. Chris Motionless can speak his mind and people will listen, but there is this innate fear for Chris Cerulli to speak his mind." He paused for a moment then continued. "And there is a clear anger to the personal words that Chris Motionless is willing to put out in the world; a bitterness for the wrongs that have been propagated against him. But Chris Cerulli is afraid to stand up and say that he's been wronged – or worse yet, that he has wronged someone."