Bulletproof

Chapter 4*

"You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to."
-Robin Williams

I collapse on my bed, face hitting my pillow. I turn my head and look out my window wondering what I'd done to deserve what I'm going through. As I lay here, I try to remember a time where I wasn't so depressed. I smile faintly when a distant memory comes to mind.

I was 5 years old at the time, just learning to read and write. My family was having a barbecue in the backyard of our old house to kick off summer the right way. The backyard, pool, and house was filled with family members and friends. I remember my cousins came over and we all ran around the backyard with sparklers, laughing and chasing one another. Abbey and I teamed up against  our cousins, thinking that since we lived there we knew where to hide and where to run. I know that my cousins found us, but I also remember Dad gave our spot away and told them. This was a few years before he left Mom. My eyes fill with unwanted tears as I recall the shouting and the hitting.

I was supposed to be sleeping over at a friend's house because it was her birthday, but she had gotten sick and her mother drove me home, knowing my parents would be asleep and wouldn't pick me up until morning. She dropped me off in the driveway, waited until I got on the front porch, and drove away. That was a normal thing for us to do. My parents did it with her, she did it with me. I remember just opening the front door, which wasn't usually unlocked at this hour, and stepping inside the dark foyer.

"This is why I don't f*****g love you!"

I was around 8 years old, and Abbey was about 5.  I don't know how Abbey wasn't awake, they were yelling so loud. I didn't really know what to think, I didn't understand what was happening. I guess when you're younger you see the world as gumdrops and rainbows.

"Ow! Why do you always do this? Do you just want me to die? I can totally make that happen."

I felt my heart drop to the floor. Mom was hurt, but I didn't know where she was. I didn't understand that she was right inside her bedroom, being beaten by Dad. I didn't realize until later, when Dad left, that he was abusing her. Mom was never the type to yell or slap you if you did something wrong. I remember that when Dad was here, before I heard those shouts and cries, Mom was extremely happy. However, after Dad left, Mom was angry, and yelled at you every second she got. I used to be afraid, afraid that she might hit me like Dad did to her, and she did, but immediately fell back after doing so. It wasn't an abusive hit, it was a you're being punished hit.

When Dad left, I was angry. I was mad that he was leaving Abbey, Mom, and me. I yelled at him and seemed to be the only one who didn't like the idea of him leaving. When Dad walked out that door, the last words he said to Mom were, "F**k you." I remember Mom held up her middle finger, said you already did, and slammed the front door. After that, I cried. I cried for hours. I cried until my eyes were deserts.

Now, I don't even know why I still call him my father. Deep down I know he never loved any of us, only stayed with us out of pity. Mom doesn't know that I heard her cries that one night, and I wish I hadn't. Now everything seems like it's my fault, and if I'd just ran into the room, I might still see my father, might not be so upset and anxious all the time, might not be so sad.
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Hi lovelies! I hope you liked chapter 4! Next update will be on Monday so stay tuned!
XO,
Mackenzie