sad multifandome (English)

I was barely a teenager the first time i tried to kill myself

I was barely a teenager the first time I tried to Kill myself, if I knew then what I now, it probably wouldn't have changed very much. And it probably wouldn't have change very much, because sometimes it doesn't matter what you know, what you feel just take over imagen you stayed there, stuck there, in that narrow, dark place, well, that's what it can be like to live with mental illness.
At least, that's what it was like for me, at the depth of my own mental illness as a teenager my perception had become constricted, and darkened, and collapsed. I felt like an asthmatic who had lost his glasses in a hurricane. The only thing that I could think was, "you're not good enough." "You're not smart enough." "You're not enough." So, when I held that eight-inch chefs knife in my hand, and I raised it to my throat and I pressed it there and I felt the blood begin to trickle down my hand, the only think I could think in that moment, "nobody would ever know you' were gone." In fact, most days I probably seemed just like any other normal kid, if not a little quiet. And because the truth is, I was. In fact I was so normal, most people would have never guessed. They probably would have even been surprised to find out how I would hate the way the sunlight came into my window every morning. I was so normal that a few years later after not getting the help I so clearly needed, most people would have never known that I was the one that had caused so much commotion later one night when I tried to jump from an overpass. I remember I was wandering the empty tweets of my hometown. I was alone this time, unlike that other time and it's because I wanted to die alone. My mind was running, screaming, shaking, collapsing in on itself again. When you're in that place, and your perception is collapsing like that, those old thoughts keep coming back again, "you're not good enough." Should I hang in there for just one more day? For what? To be that crazy kid? I've already held on for this long, and things haven't gotten any better. Why would I keep trying what haven't been working?