sad multifandome (English)

the truth i cant run from...

most people would say i'm doing better, i was so sad and angry all the time before, so now i must be better, i'm always smiling, always looking on the bright side, i don't hide my scares anymore, i most be so proud of myself for my Progress, but this is so far from the truth. if anything i feel, wrose, i just hide it now even from myself, i ignore it and distract myself, i forget for a moment, just for a minute, but it alwyas comes back. You can't run away from these Things because they're part of you. I've never attempted suicide or anything. i've let it get that far, because despite the fact that i am so fucked up and in so much pain, i'm scared.

yeah i'm scared, so scared of hurting other people that i don't let myself get that far. No matter how much i just want to die, i'm more scared about how other people will, so i suffer alone, i don't want to burden anyone, i don't want to go back to another hospital, seriously i don't give a shit, you're throwing me into a mental institution, i care that i won't be able to se my mom for our however long you plan you have to keep me in there, she's everything to me, she needs me i need her, so i smile i act like i'm better, i lie.

I keep the tears in and pray to whoever is listening up there, that they buy it and let me go, and they do. It's so ridiculously easy to pretend, then there's therapy like i said before i care too much, i care about how everyone else is feeling, so when i see a therapist, the first few weeks are okay, i'm honest, honest enough, nothing never gets fixed but i'm honest, then i'll form a bond with them, i start to care about their feelings, once that happens, everything in my life takes a new perspective, everything's just wonderful, but i can't get enough of my life, im so happ, aren't you happy that i'm happy? good god, of caurse on the inside nothing has changed.

she's gotten wrose, at Night i can feel it pestering inside mw and i just want to cry, i want to cry so bad, ut i have no more tears, i can't cry anymore. I'm numb, he's my imaginations, i think about places far away, life's where i'm happy, anywhere isn't here, and i feel better, Again it's only temporary, school dosen't matter to me, even now i'm trying to act happy and keep everything okay, i just can't do it. I know she'll notice eventualy my mom, she'll notice, but i was to quiet, my therapist thinks life is going great and im injured.

Everyone is so happy because i'm cured, thank god. I just never want her to see me the way i see myself, i dont want to hurt her feelings, my feelings, my feelings they would hurt her, so i hide them and i don't get better, You know the sick thing is i dont think i even want to get better, because i'm scared of that too, this is all i know, i don't remeber being happy, i dont remeber Peace with myself, it's like the moment i turned 11 everything was wiped away, i was replaced with this sick kis, this broken mind, this girl that cared to much, so much that she let herself suffer, aslong as she new that everyone else was doing just fine.

It's lonely you know, it's so fucking lonely because everyone else they know, this completely diffrent person, they don't even know you, no one knows me, excsept myself, i don't know how to deal with this anymore, i don't know how to feel slightest bit okay, i don't know what to do, i care about people so much, i never want to hurt them and if they ever meet the real me they will be, i hate to make a thrill me someone who isn't so sad, someone who dosen't need to be strong, who just live her fucking life in Peace, Peace without getting into her own way, someone who's happy, i want that, i don't remember what it felt like, but i want it back, i won't be a Coward anymore, i have to face my depression and i guess i have to face myself.