It's been WAY too long since we updated. Sorry. I was writing it a few days ago, but then I lost it for some reason... Gah. Besides the fact that we have actual lives and we're busy, we also have no motivation...
We're not gonna stop writing, we're just going to be very very slow... Since no one is responding by commenting or voting or whatever there's no way to tell what you guys are thinking.
So please give us feedback!!
VOTE, COMMENT + ENJOY!
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Maria
The silence was deafening...
And the pain was worse.
She desperately hoped that the past few days were all part of some bad dream, but knew it wasn't. She didn't even have Dream-Ethan to comfort her, because the dreams had stopped. In her mind, she replayed the day when she had bought him:
Maria walked through the small pet shop, pausing to look at a Siamese kitten. No, she thought. Too big, too expensive and too difficult. She wandered around the store until she found what she was looking for: the rodent aisle. The corner of the well-lit store was filled with tiny cages inhabited by smaller pets. She saw gerbils, ferrets, hamsters and guinea pigs. She critically eyed each animal until she came across the cutest little hamster she'd ever seen.
It was sandy brown with a white stomach, black beady eyes and adorable chubby cheeks. In short, it was perfect. She asked a saleslady to help her get the hamster out. The lady put it in a brown box with the name of the store written on it and carried the hamster to cash register.
After paying for the hamster, she thanked the saleslady and picked up the basket. Maria skipped towards the door, saying, "I'm going to call you Ethan." She heard a snicker from the saleslady. She probably thinks I'm crazy because I'm talking Ethan, thought Maria. Not that I care.
And that was that.
Maria lay in bed, thinking that this was what it felt like to be heartbroken. She wanted to find an escape from reality- but there was none. Her world had shattered. The last part of her life she could rely on was gone.
And it was her fault.
Maria burst into tears, letting her emotions wash away sanity. She thought back to her thoughts while she was half asleep, and one word reverberated in her mind:
Emo.
Was this what she'd become?
Emo... That meant wearing all black, tight clothes, dying her hair black-well, since her hair was already black, this was already taken care of- and being depressed and suicidal. Images swirled through her mind as she thought about what it was to be emo. It ddin't seem like her... But she remembered reading on a secret-confessing website that being emo makes you feel better.
What was it about being emo that made you feel better? Thought Maria.
And then it came to her.
Cutting.
Unsure of what she was doing, but hoping for an escape from the pain, she ran downstairs, her loose, untidy hair flailing behind her, into the kitchen. Luckily, Mark was in his room, and her parents were out, so no one saw her. She pulled open the top drawer and picked out a long, sleek silver knife. She raced back to her room, locked the door, and sat down on her bed.
In her rush for a new idea, the pain had weakened; now it returned in full swing.
Was this really what she wanted to do?
She lifted the knife weakly, edging it inch by inch closer towards her skin...
And dropped it.
She couldn't do it.
Maria pulled her knees to her chest and hid her face in her hair. Do I really have to do this? She thought. Maria wasn't sure. She would have never thought of something so drastic a few days ago. No, she informed herself. I wouldn't, because I had Ethan.
But he was gone.
Maria tried again with the knife, only to find the same result.
I wouldn't have done this even if I had the dream-Ethan, she corrected herself. And that was who I really missed. That was who I really wanted to come and stop me, to take the knife from my hands and comfort me.
A fresh wave of pain came over her, mortified at the truth of her own words, and uried her face deeper into her knees. I'm going to do this, she told herself. Reaching over, she picked up the knife, fingers trembling, and slid the cool metal over her skin.
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By the end of the week, Maria didn't feel like getting up. Even after three days of misery, she felt far from reality. She huddled under the covers, thankful at least for the weekend. At least she didn't have to get up and go through another day of school. At least she didn't have to deal with Tommy's incessant stares, or the other girls' snickers, or her ex-best-friends' disapproving glares. At least.
Maria felt like a shell, as if all the life had been drained out of her. She didn't know what to do.
Through the silence, Maria began to see some reason. Deep, deep down, she knew that what she had done was stupid. Maria had tried to replace someone dear to her heart with an innocent animal. She knew perfectly well that the hamster's death was her fault. Maria wondered whether he would be better off if she had never bought him.
She also wondered if she herself would have been better off. Maria thought back to what she'd done three days earlier; the scar on her wrist was proof. At least I stopped after that, she thought. But the people at school had still noticed it. They still mocked her when she turned her back. They still avoided her like she was contagious. She covered her wrist with her sleeves, knowing that she would never cut herself again.
But she still wished Ethan would come and stop her. Despite everything that had happened, that was the only thing she could feel. The hamster was simply an unsuccessful attempt at a replacement.
Suddenly, another thought struck her:
Her brother.
No, not Mark; even though Mark had genuinely cared for her, he and Maria didn't have a bond as strong as the bond between her and her oldest brother, Mason. Maria and Mason, who was two years older than Mark, were especially close. He was much the protective older brother, but he spent a lot of time with Maria. Mark, as the middle child, didn't have much in common with them. Just last year, at Halloween, Mason had beaten up a little kid-who happened to be Mark's best friend, Sam-and was sent to juvenile. By now, he'd probably be in jail. It didn't help that Sam had disappeared right after.
Maria felt an unexpected longing to see her brother. She missed him as much as she missed Ethan. Too bad he's gone, she thought.
Maria spent most of her weekend in her room, only getting up to eat and shower. Mark made weak attempts at conversation as usual, but eventually gave up. He did point out that she seemed slightly happier than before. Maria gave a watery half-smile. Only one thing had changed since yesterday. Now, instead of feeling depressed and agonized, she felt indescribably lonely.
