In The Sight of These Hills (Dolan Twins)

Saturn's Heartbeat

Chapter 7: Saturn's Heartbeat

"As a child it was not there

Not scared of the blood

The creek and thud inside your chest

Clearly calm I'm keeping terrorized

The ageless thaw of winter

Alone but by your side."

-Ben Howard's "All Is Now Harmed"

"I can hear your heart," Gray practically whispered, his eyes widening, looking at his twin's breathing chest. In and out, in and out. Thumpthumpthumpthump. It was quick now, frightened. Realizing he was dripping the broth on the kitchen floor, Ethan put the spoon back into the pot. Grayson was standing there, hair ruffled up, his face graced by the sweet sun that peaked through the kitchen window, warm and golden. It felt like the aftermath of a storm, when everything was calm, and they were staring at the abyss of the aftermath.

"What do you mean?" Ethan asked and his concerned confused turned into a spike of fear not just for himself but for his brother. He could hear what? Ethan searched his twin's face, looking for any indication that he was going to go crazy or something. Ethan knew him like the back of his hand, though, and saw nothing that indicated that on his face. This was Grayson, Ethan thought. He trusted him more than he trusted himself.

Grayson sniffed and frowned. He outstretched his hand towards his brother and Ethan flinched away from him. A look of hurt flashed on Gray's face. It was weird, Ethan had never done that before. He was scared. Of him? He hoped not.

"Sorry," Ethan said, as he knew he had upset his brother. He didn't move a muscle when Gray moved forward again.

Grayson connected his large palm with his twin's t-shirt clad chest. He sprayed his fingers out and felt the movement exemplify against his hand. Thumpthumpthump. It felt just as familiar as his own. Ethan just stared at his brother. Gray looked like a child just realizing he had fingers.

"I can hear my own too." He placed his hand on his own chest and felt it there. It was so startling to hear something inside of him, as though he had a ticker in him, and feel it as well. Grayson looked away, out the window.

"What?" Ethan asked again, not fully comprehending. Was Gray screwing with him?

Grayson's hazel eyes contacted with Ethan's identical ones: "I can hear your heartbeat and I can hear mine too." He sounded a bit irritated like it was the most normal thing in the world to do that. Or maybe because he was scared. When Grayson got scared, he usually got angry too. Gray turned his eyes away, and Ethan understood.

"Where's Dad?"

"He left for the city."

"Again?"

"Yeah," Ethan said, "I guess so."

Ethan pressed his back against the side of the counter until he remembered that he had soup on the stove. He turned the burner off with a click and looked back at his brother who was staring at the cabinets to the side of him, his eyes tracing something. This wasn't good.

~

They were sitting across from each other at their maple kitchen table, two bowls of soup in front of them and two cups of hot tea with the steam rising out of each like ghosts. Grayson had practically inhaled his bowl when he got it and had went back for more, scooping a great deal of the chicken bits into it. Ethan hunger had seemed to dissipate, leaving only worry and fear in its wake. He sipped on his soup slowly, stirring it. The yellow broth swirled along with the little noodles and chicken bits. He scooped up a noodle and raised it to his lips, forcing himself to eat it as he hoped it would arouse the hunger in him instead of the nausea.