In The Sight of These Hills (Dolan Twins)

Doe

Chapter 30: Doe

"After writing poems all day,

I go off to see the moon in the pines.

Far in the woods I sit down against a pine.

The moon has her porches turned to face the light,

But the deep part of her house is in the darkness."

-Robert Bly, "The Moon"

"Ethan?" Came Sean's voice, and he felt his presence at the door. He swallowed the acidic taste down his throat. He brought his hand to it and found that he craved a drink of water, to feel the sweetness against his tongue.

He opened his eyes slowly to the bright light above. He sat down fully, hand against the edge of the toilet bowl, turning his body to look at Sean. Their eyes met.

That look of have you gone nuts, son? had turned into something else entirely. His large hand gripped the door frame, thumb against the hard wood. Ethan swallowed a few times, and his stomach decided it didn't want to throw his cookies anymore. He was thankful for that even though he kind of wanted to throw up, just so he didn't have to look at their father.

Sean suddenly looked years older, exhausted, like he had been through more than Ethan could ever imagine. He had shoved Lisa picture in his face, had told him he hated him, had gone crazy. This wasn't his fault. Ethan looked down at the small trails of blood on his flesh from where the tacks had cut into them. He realized what he had done.

He had torn down part of their polaroid wall. He couldn't fix that. What would Grayson say if he were there?

"Wow, calm down anger management."

"Shut up. I'm anger management?"

"You bet you are, E-Tee-Wee-Tee."

He swallowed thickly and ran his hand against his hair.

The exhaustion was gripping him hard, pulling his shoulders down. He wanted to stand under a hot shower head and let all the water rush off the crusted-on dirt, the dried blood, and the storming guilt. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to scream. He wanted to wander the woods and scream his brother's name until he froze like a statue in a foreign garden: immovable.

"I'm sorry, Dad."

He said it, meaning it. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand feeling so incredibly fragile on the floor. He let himself be glass. He let himself be still and sick and worried and exhausted. Sean was blinking down at him, his face softening.

"Come here."

Ethan got up slowly and Sean was moving towards him.

Sean wrapped his arms around him. He froze, stiff against him. He couldn't remember his dad ever hugging him before. At least, not in a very long time. He brought his hands up to his back after a few moments. He let his dad hug him, even though he was cold. Sean moved back after a couple of seconds, letting him go. Ethan did as well, feeling the tears sting his eyes. He rubbed them away angerly.

"I know you two exist, okay?" Their father said and turned his eyes away to look at the bathtub. Sean wasn't going to win most communicative father of the year award any time soon. He wasn't going to express himself. He wasn't that type of man.