Letters to Olivia [A SVU and Bensler FanFic]

two

August 5th

I don't want to scare you at all, Livvie, but I got hurt today on the ship. I was walking and slipped on some water a younger member had dumped on the floor. I slipped on it and slammed my head right into one of the metal walls. Bad news for me because I'm not working for a few days, but good news for you is that I can write you all day every day for the next three days. I love you kid, and I hope you know that getting to see you again is the only thing keeping me going.

"So it's the two bedrooms, one bath, and a storage area in the basement?" Elliot asked as he talked to the landlord of an apartment he had found.

"Do you have someone else that is going to be living with you?"

"Yeah, my 8-year-old. This is in her school district."

"Yeah, I'm not renting to you." The angry old man spoke.

"Why not?!" Elliot snapped.

"Because you have a kid. Kids are noisy and messy. Find a new place to live."

Elliot stomped out of the apartment and headed down to his car. He got in and slammed the door shut, before crossing out this listening in the newspaper. He looked through more of them, as he grew even angrier at everything.

All he wanted to do was go back to the house that he and Olivia lived in. The one where he and his wife were planning on bringing their daughter home to, but instead he never went back there. He lived with his mother for a while, and then she got sick and sold the house, so when he got deployed again, Alex took Olivia and he stayed there when on leave.

Now he had no place to call his own, and his daughter has been raised by his dead wife's friends and he has barely been there for her. He didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't even know if he'd be able to be a father to Olivia.

-=-

"Have you heard from Elliot?" Amanda asked her husband, as they cleaned up after dinner. All of the kids were playing in the living room, and Elliot was supposed to be over soon to take Olivia home, but he wasn't there and hadn't called them yet.

"Nope," Sonny spoke, as he pushed his hair back.

"He was talking about how he wasn't a good father. I'm kinda scared that he ran." Amanda frowned, as she set the towel down, and wrapped her arms around her husband's waist.

"He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't let his little girl lose both parents. He may just be waiting until we call him and tell him that Olivia is sleeping."

"God, why do good people always suffer the most?" Amanda whispered into her husband's chest.

"Because they always come out on the other side pristine and ready to fight again."

-=-

Elliot called Amanda and asked her if she could watch Olivia for the night, and she agreed without even questioning it. He wanted to be with his daughter tonight, but he just couldn't get over that small bump in the road. He was depressed and anxious. He was doubting himself completely, and in the end, he knew Olivia would be better off with one of her aunts. But he had also promised Olivia when they found out she was pregnant, that if anything happened to either of them, that whoever lived would raise their child. Elliot just never thought he'd be the one living.

Elliot drove to a bar, but then didn't go in. He instead drove to the cemetery where his wife was buried. He walked towards where her grave and knelt down in front of it.

His name was also on the headstone, and so was his birthdate. No matter if he got married in the future or anything else, he planned on being laid here with her. She is his one and only soulmate, and even if he moved on and found love again, it wouldn't be as pure and passionate as the love he shared with Olivia Margaret Benson, the brown haired, brown eyed beauty.

"I wrote you letters, babe. I wrote our kid a letter, and then I'd write you one too. I have over a hundred letters to you, and I have them in the inside pocket of my jacket. I take them everywhere, but it's only because I can't give them to you." Elliot breathed, as he patted his jacket where the letters were.

"Babe, I'm really struggling. I can't breathe without thinking of you. I can't sleep without thinking of you. Everything I do somehow reminds me of you. How you were one of the only cops I know who loves tea, and the way that you hated to do dishes and always made me do them. I miss laying beside you in bed. I miss waking up and having you completely wrapped up in the blankets and sleeping with every pillow on our bed. You always used to steal my pillow and blankets so in the dead of winter I'd be cold. But you were perfect no matter what. I could never be angry at you, and it's the same thing with our kid. When you were here, you had me wrapped around your finger. I would absolutely anything for you. And now it's the same with Livvie. And I'm trying, Liv. I swear. I'm trying to be a good dad, and I'm trying to find a house for us to live in but it's hard, and she hates me. I wish she didn't."

-=-

Elliot left the cemetery and drove to Amanda and Sonny's house. He parked on the side of the road and turned off the car. He pulled his phone out and unlocked it before scrolling through his pictures. He started to look at pictures he had taken over the years of his daughter. He watched as she grew up and started to look more like Olivia. In the end, he had to stick around for her. He couldn't break his promise to his wife, and most importantly, his daughter.

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