2018-09-15 》 02.48 》 01:13:44
'Don't ever let anybody tell you they're better than you'
forrest gump
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Long gone and sound asleep were his feelings.
Deep down in that endless wide and black ocean.
Feeling his body fall and fall every minute, every second more and more into the lightless plains, he decided to think.
Letting go or going on.
What use did life have if the living were not realizing what endless and unapreciated posibilites they had?
Too blinded from the light and the darkness that was set into their lonely hearts from longing for earthly, changeable desires.
They were all so lucky, but blind in the end, Def thought.
They didn't deserve a single bit of living.
And he was one of them.
"Jinyoung used to be always there for me, even if I didn't notice it right away. He always was there in some way."
And he meant it like that. Even though his best friend was a rather quiet and kept person he managed to help and comfort him through any kind of pains.
"Can you tell me what you mean exactly?"
"There was this one time when I had a huge crush on a girl in our school and my heart always used to beat faster when I saw her. So I got up earlier the next morning and went to the park with Jinyoung to pick flowers for her. But it didn't really go as I planned. In the end she dumped me and threw the flowers to the ground."
"My first love wasn't any better to be honest... What did he do?"
"He saw all of it and had an eye on me for the whole day. You have to know that we didn't talk much in school even though we were classmates."
Yes, oh how could Def forget how he used to be back then.
"Jinyoung was like a guardian to me. He had his little group of friends and kept it that way. He never even wanted to gain the attention of others, but to be understood. He's that kind of person that only the purest people seem to notice. But the kindest and the most purehearted person of them all was him."
Only by hearing these words slip out of his mouth his chest started to ache.
If only he could have taken his place.
The loss of being lonely, the countless bullying and the many things that were never even spoken.
Oh how he wished he could have taken it all away from him or at least ease it a bit.
But instead it was his, and only his, fault that Jinyoung got away.
He did nothing to ease it, he made it worse.
Unbearable worse.
"Ars?"
At some point Def used to be strong and fight for Jinyoung.
He once loved him with all of his heart, but as time passed by he seemed to slowly drift away from him.
Not only his mind changed, his character as well.
If the older could have described it to Youngjae, he would have said that he had turned into the most hateable person in the world.
Worser than a bully.
Worser than a cheater.
He was a traitor.
A traitor who stabbed the person he knew he was the world of from behind.
"And you know what he did when school ended?"
He sounded broken.
And he knew it, but he couldn't help it.
"He came to me after school and walked home with me. We had the same way but it always was a surprise to me when he joined. It was like every single action of him was not taken for granted. So, when he looked me into the eye he instantly saw that I was crying a few hours ago."
Now the older boy was smiling to himself while staring down onto the street.
"He gave me a peck on the cheek and hugged me like there was no tomorrow. Instead of going home we strolled through the city until it got night. I really hate banana milk, but if it was for him I would've drank til i were stuffed and even enjoy it."
Only the peaceful voice of that little angel near his ear made him stop once again.
"Def?"
"Hm?"
The boy on the phone sounded rather calm, the words gliding like silk over his lips in a soothing tone.
"You were the world for him."
And there it was again.
This little spark of light that echoed through his whole body.
Ars sounded so mature even though his voice seemed to belong to a much younger person.
Def didn't know why, but the light in his words infected him.
Through his veins and into his chest.
It made the pain ease.
The thought that someone listened.
To his side.
Ars was a little flame.
So as Jaebum sank deeper into the dark waters, forgetting, he kept wondering why the little phoenix in his hands didn't turn to ashes like all the others did.
"But... was the world really his?"
